http://www.pabaines.com en-gb pabaines.com 2012-5-9T00:00:00Z pabaines.com http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#117955 In a startling announcement leading scientists this week have admitted that they got it wrong with the whole Global Warming theory. We got it wrong a spokesperson told reporters after the emergency meeting of two hundred of the worlds top scientists. We made a mistake. It made sense at the time but we now know we were wrong. There are people who do not believe what we are saying in spite of the facts because they are not seeing the effects of Global Warming with their own eyes. We intend to put that right.The official document outlining the exact changes to the Gobal Warming theory was leaked to the press and we are able to give you a summary of the amendments. The theory itself has remained largely unaltered. What has changed is the name.From now on the term Global Warming will only be used by scientists who actually understand the overriding concepts. For the manonthestreet a number of names have been suggested to help them make sense of what they see every morning when they open the... 2012-5-10 07:59:57 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#114047 As December 21st rapidly approaches and we all prepare for the end of the world internationally unknown scientist and deep brainworker Professor Stan Dovethere of the University of David Hasselhoff in Liverpool has spent the past few weeks scouring the Internet for clues as to how the end of the world will actually occur.To this end Professor Dovethere recently assembled the finest collection of minds ever seen down at his local pub with the aim of deciding exactly what will happen on December 21st 2012. They poured over the plans. They poured over the floor. No expense was spared and no peanut bowl left unemptied until they had reached an agreement and persuaded the DJ to stop playng Karma Chameleon.Many theories were put forward ranging from a collapse of the entire spacetime continuum proposed early in the evening to the abduction of planet Earth by a giant wandering intergalactic vaccuumcleaning transvestite unicorn proposed just before closing time. Pauly Filla a retired nuclear t... 2012-3-7 10:21:35 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#113015 Having lived in Holland for quite some time now I can confirm that they have finally gone insane.I can handle the competiveness the cheese the cycling three abreast the insistence on speaking loudly all the time. I can deal with the driving as fast as possible even no especially in bad weather the windmills the condescending tone reserved for people who dont speak perfect Dutch. I can handle the fact that every Dutch person feels obliged to share his or her opinion on every matter even when that opinion is clearly illinformed. I can even handle the fact that one of their political parties has started a shopaforeigner site in which people can share their bad experiences of Eastern European especially Polish visitors to Holland even though Poland is a major trade partner. This however has gone too far. The Dutch are possessed of a particular insanity that involves ice. They love to skate whenever the temperature drops low enough for ice to form they all head for the nearest canal. Every ... 2012-2-22 08:03:58 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#111411 This week one of the authors of the SOPA bill demonstrated his indepth knowledge of the Internet by playing solitaire and reading his emails one of which just happened to be a lengthy letter of criticism of the SOPA bill from some of the key people responsible for the development of the Internet. When asked by a reporter if he planned to respond to the email the senator replied that he would just as soon as he could get some stamps from the post office. He then logged onto Lolcatz and spent ten minutes laughing and pointing at the pictures while repeating the text in an exaggerated voice. He went on to explain that he was pretty sure cats did not really talk like that because his sister had a cat and it never spoke at least not when he was in the room. When asked if he had the IP address bookmarked the senator panicked and closed his laptop claiming it was cold and that he was scared it would catch a virus.Next week a group of senators will bring in their brand new Macbook Airs and dem... 2012-1-30 07:53:26 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#111242 This week saw a dramatic turn of events on Hollands roads as the entire nation ground to a halt in a massive gridlock that left vehicles unable to move.The tipping point came at 1245pm on Saturday when Els van Flink of Delft drove her brand new Ford Fiesta out of her local dealership and took the last available space on Hollands crowded road network.Holland has now effectively become the worlds largest carpark as people sit in their vehicles shouting at everyone and hooting their horns. The event also saw the crash of Twitter and Facebook as fourteen million drivers rushed to be the first to tell everyone that they were in a traffic jam.Jan van Janssen the Dutch Minister of Hats and Sunglasses announced on his blog that he had known this would happen for ages but that nobody would listen. Meanwhile the Minister of Traffic Congestion responded on his own blog that short of covering the entire country in tarmac there was little that could be done. Holland is a very small country and alth... 2012-1-27 07:45:18 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#108571 My short essay Show Me How to Show is featured in the Winter 2011 edition of Starsongs Magazine available here.Aimed at young authors the piece explains the difference between telling your reader that there is a dinosaur in your vegetable patch and showing it. 2011-12-12 09:10:07 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#106665 For the past few weeks I have been featuring a series of interviews with authors of Christian speculative fiction.My guest today is Nick Giannaras author of The Relics of Nanthara trilogy from MuseItUp Publishing. You can purchase Book 1 of the trilogy The Relics of Nanthara at Amazon or the MuseItUp store. Nick how long have you been writingIve been writing actively for five years. When did you feel called to writeWhen a lady spoke into my life saying that there were untapped talents that needed to be revealed I havent stopped since. Where do you get your ideas for your storiesMy first novel actually came from an old Dungeons amp Dragons game I ran years ago. The rest come in various ways a title a song a movie a verbal idea from my kids and pure imagination. Was it hard to develop a writing styleNope. When I type it flows as it is given to me. Have you dealt with writers block If so how did you overcome itHmmm the main way I deal with it is I sit down with my wife and verbally discus... 2011-11-12 09:50:40 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#106191 This month I have been featuring a series of interviews with authors of Christian speculative fiction.My guest today is Adam Graham coauthor of Tales of a Dim Knight published by Splashdown Books. So Adam how long have you been writing Since I was eight almost nine years old. Before the San Francisco Earthquake I was writing BatmanSuperman Fanfiction. Where do you get your ideas for your storiesEverywhere Sermons at church out of the blue. Sometimes Ill get ideas from TV shows particularly one where I dont enjoy the episode and I imagine how it really should be told. Do you find a part of your personality sneaking into any of your charactersHere and there probably the clown and sarcastic tendencies are the ones most likely to appear. Were there any scenes you found difficult to write Made you angry or made you cryIm working on a Short Story thats trying to become a novelette and the final confrontation scene was very tough. The story deals with child abuse and I kept wanting to han... 2011-11-5 08:28:11 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#105627 This month I have been featuring a series of interviews with authors of Christian speculative fiction.My guest today is Cindy Koepp author of Remnant in the Stars due to be released by Under The Moon in spring 2012. How long have you been writing CindyOh most of 33 years. My mother has an old short story I wrote when I was six or seven. The hobby continued on since then. When did you feel called to writeI dont know. I dont know if I was ever called. About five years ago when I was more irritated with teaching than usual I asked God if hed object to me being a fulltime writer. That hasnt happened yet but Ive made lots of connections with other writers and critique groups and the like. I even have a contract now for one of my books. Where do you get your ideas for your storiesSometimes they get left in my mental voice mail with no mention of the source on the caller ID. Other times theyre based on some misadventure in my own life with the decimal point moved over several orders of magnit... 2011-10-29 09:50:00 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#105167 This month I have been featuring a series of interviews with authors of Christian speculative fiction.My guest today is Caprice Hokstad author of the Ascendancy Trilogy fantasy novels The Dukes Handmaid and Nor Iron Bars a Cage. Caprice is also a contributing author in Aquasynthesis an anthology of short stories. How long have you been writing CapriceFiction About fifteen years. When did you feel called to writeI dont feel like I have been called to write as some sort of mandate from God. If God tells you to write of course you should obey but God hasnt really told me I have to write. Does a Christian have to be called to knit Or can it just be a hobby I dont believe crosses or fish symbols must be woven deep into every design of every scarf in order for knitting to be a legitimate use of a Christians time. I enjoy writing and my beliefs will affect everything I write but I dont think I am called to write. Where do you get your ideas for your storiesI really dont know. I have a very we... 2011-10-22 09:08:21 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#104670 All this month I will be featuring a series of interviews with authors of Christian speculative fiction. Todays guest is Yvonne Anderson author of The Story in the Stars the first book in the Gateway to Gannah series. So Yvonne how long have you been writingI started writing since I was old enough to hold a crayon. But as far as writing seriously with hopes of publication That began in 2002. I was offered my first publishing contract in 2011. When did you feel called to writeSee above. It was in February. Two of my four kids were grown and on their own the younger two were in school and my hours at work had recently been cut to twelve hours a week. And wed just gotten a new computer. While cleaning up the kitchen after breakfast it occurred to me that everything had fallen into place for me it was time to write that book that had been in the back of my mind for the past couple of decades. I tried to brush away the idea but eventually I realized it wasnt just an idea it was the H... 2011-10-15 09:35:36 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#104155 This week I will be featuring a series of interviews with authors of Christian speculative fiction. These are people who are passionate about sharing their faith through stories that glorify God.Please welcome todays guest Kimberli Rene233 Campbell author of The Sword of Light series of books. Kimberli graciously agreed to visit with me and share some of her thoughts. How long have you been writing Kimberli I have been writing for over 10 years. However I still have a lot to learn. When did you feel called to writeI cant say I remember a specific time when the Lord put the desire in my heart. All I know now is I have a deep need to write the stories he gives me. Do you spend time in prayer before you write or begin a project My relationship with the Lord is most important. I dont feel that I can really write to my fullest potential unless the Lord and I communicate. We are a team. How do you respond when someone comments that certain elements magic vampires zombies etc. in your story d... 2011-10-8 09:12:00 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#101769 SUPERHERO FOR HIRE Are you being mugged Is someone pointing a gun at you Are you hanging by your fingernails from a twenty storey building Do you need a superhero If so then call Mister Metro today. Mister Metro guarantees your speedy rescue or your money back. With twenty years experience in catering and fashion design Mister Metro will not only rescue you but he will look good doing it. In a recent poll Mister Metro was voted the worlds bestdressed superhero with his tights receiving an honorary award for being both sheer and spangly. Tired of waiting for Superman to get over Lois Lane Fed up of waiting for Batman to figure out what he should put on his utility belt Sick of having to listen to Spidermans lame wisecracks Call Mister Metro and he will be there in his brand new Geo Metro before you can say absolutely fabulous. With a black belt in Couture Origami and Potpourri Mister Metro can quickly and effectively eradicate any threat to your person. Other powers include Dazzli... 2011-9-4 15:11:27 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#99123 As the world continues to struggle to recover from the recent economic crisis with the maninthestreet still feeling the aftershocks I was fortunate to secure an interview with the head of the International Bankers Society Ivan Tallyo Monet on his 400foot yacht The Venturist currently moored off the coast of the beautiful city of Monte Carlo.Ivan welcomes me on board his yacht.PB Thank you for welcoming me onto your magnificent yacht Mr. Monet. Is that chair real goldIvan You are very welcome. Yes it is real gold. In fact most of the fittings and furniture on this yacht are real gold. I prefer gold to other metals. It has a quality that most other metals lack dont you thinkPB And it is more expensive.Ivan Ah yes but you cannot put a price on quality.PB Indeed. Mr Monet I am here to get some insight into the workings of the IBC. People out there are suffering due to the mistakes made by the major banks. What do you say to those people who have lost everything while the bankers have got o... 2011-7-26 08:10:58 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#98392 Ive worked in places like this... 2011-7-15 07:27:16 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#98331 In a surprise announcement on Monday the Dutch government told reporters that summer has been officially cancelled this year. Standing outside the Ministry of Tulips Windmills Clogs and Cheese the Dutch finance minister Jan van der Vander stated that he had included a reduction in nice weather as part of the countrys austerity plans for 2011.It costs a lot of guilders to keep the sun shining van der Vander said. We cannot justify that kind of expense in this difficult economic climate.When a reporter raised the issue of tourism the minister pointed out that nobody comes to Holland for the weather. And the locals vacate the county enmasse between June and August to clog up the motorways of neighbouring countries with their caravans so they wouldnt care.The new measures began this week with a drop in temperatures blustery wind and torrential rain. Minister van der Vander officially launched the event with a ribboncutting ceremony before heading for the south of France with his Super Delu... 2011-7-14 08:10:30 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#97585 Fancy trying some new authors without breaking the bank For this weekend only ending Monday July 4th you can get any Kindle book from the Splashdown catalog on Amazon for just 99162. Click here or search for Splashdown Books Kindle. 2011-7-4 07:47:41 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#96286 Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 Style Definitions table.MsoNormalTable msostylenameTable Normal msotstylerowbandsize0 msotstylecolbandsize0 msostylenoshowyes msostyleparent msopaddingalt0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt msoparamargin0in msoparamarginbottom.0001pt msopaginationwidoworphan fontsize10.0pt fontfamilyTimes New Roman msofareastfontfamilyTimes New Roman msoansilanguage0400 msofareastlanguage0400 msobidilanguage0400 Rejection Letters The greatest number of rejection letters received by one writer is 1076 a record held by Albert Norris GB. During his thirtyyear career Albert sent his scifi novel Robot Rebel to every agent and publisher listed in the Writers and Artists Yearbook at least three times. Albert also holds the record for the shortest rejection letter containing just three words please go away as well as the rec... 2011-6-15 09:52:37 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#95513 When I was a kid I really wanted to be a superhero. Perhaps thats why I prefer to wear my underpants outside my trousers. People may point and laugh but I think they secretly know how cool it looks. In fact when I was young I had a huge poster of Superman stuck to the wall next to my bed. I suppose it was comforting to think that someone so strong was watching over me as I slept. Also it was useful for hiding the escape tunnel I was digging at the time.Superman was the first superhero I really admired. Later came Spiderman with his nifty webflinging and his witty oneliners. Then I discovered Batman with his amazing utility belt and cool Batmobile. At some point I came across a comic featuring Captain America and he became my favourite superhero. I dont know why I liked him. I think it was because of his gritty determination. And he had that awesome shield.I was thinking about superheroes recently and it occurred to me that there are degrees of superheroness.... 2011-6-5 13:22:45 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#91642 I was doing a virtual tour of Holland using Google Maps recently when I stumbled upon an intriguing set of images in The Hague. Thanks to a fortunate coincidence it would appear that giants are alive and well and living on the beach in the Netherlands. 2011-4-14 12:53:38 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#91633 Alpha Redemption has reached the finals of The Grace Awards a readers choice award of faithbased fiction.Results will be announced on May 12th. You can see all finalists here. 2011-4-13 09:54:50 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#88532 There was panic across Europe today when a strange blue object appeared in the clouds over the continent. This object has since been identified by scientists as the sky. In a press release the government asked citizens to remain calm while they attended an emergency factfinding meeting in a luxurious nuclear bunker two miles beneath Brussels. Mass hysteria ensued at the subsequent appearance of a bright yellow object that scientists claim is actually a mythical celestial object the Ancients once referred to as the Sun. The head scientist at the University of Stuff We Dont Understand in Amsterdam was quoted as saying Wow as he emerged from a coffee shop in the city centre to join the throngs of people gazing up at the astonishing sight amid the screams of Im blind Im blind and the hiss of disintegrating vampires. 2011-3-6 09:58:34 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#86002 They say all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. I must be the dullest person alive today. I just checked the date on my last blog entry. November 8th 2010 Thats like a year ago. Okay so its only four months but still. Thats like almost half a year ago And the reason for so much effort and so little leisure I would tell you but that would make me even more dull. Suffice it to say Im busy. All right if you must know. The biggest culprit is my next story. Last night I passed the 58k mark which puts me about 10k from the finish which means Im approaching the climactic plot climax ed redundant.As is the way with me my mind now wont shut down. I listen to audio books on my daily commute but its hopeless because I keep thinking about my own story when I should be concentrating on the book Im listening to. I then have to rewind and pick up where I left off. I also tend to slip into edit mode which means I listen out for errors. This morning I heard the same word repeated five times in abo... 2011-2-2 12:40:50 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#77343 The combination of anger frustration and resignation on the face of a mother standing at the checkout counter after dragging her children and a full trolley all over the supermarket only to discover that her youngest and brightest has been using her credit card as a teething device. 2010-10-8 07:45:22 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#76889 I tell anyone who will listen that I first learned about cheesecake at age nineteen and kick myself for not trying the stuff sooner. I think it was because some things just dont make sense. For example you wouldnt put a teaspoon of jam in your morning coffee or eggs in your icecream sundae or bubblegum in your pancakes. So who first came up with the notion that putting cheese in a cake was a good idea In my mind cheese cake doesnotcompute. I suspect it was an accident because I cant imagine someone holding a tub of fromage frais in one hand and a cake base in the other and thinking...well you know what they must have been thinking. And yet it works. For some unknown reason cheesecake actually tastes very nice. In fact it tastes very very nice or at least to me it does. I waited nineteen years before taking the plunge which is about the same time I waited before deciding to open my heart to God. For years Christianity didnt make any sense to me. I always thought strength came from bei... 2010-10-2 13:42:34 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#76757 The sheer joy on the face of a baby experiencing a belly laugh for the first time. httpwww.youtube.comwatchv5P6UU6m3cqk 2010-9-30 16:18:25 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#76318 A few years ago I was thinking about those cats eyes you see in the road to light the way. Theyre simple but very effective and they have made their inventor very very wealthy. I started thinking about things that would be useful but simple to make. One night I woke up and had a brilliant idea. Was it useful Check Was it simple to make Check Would it make me very very wealthy Perhaps. So I went back to sleep dreaming of my invention and the end of my financial woes. The next morning I tried to think about my marvellous brainchild but it was gone. I dug deep into my memory but came out with nothing. They say the human brain never forgets anything and that it is the retrieval of information that people struggle with. They say the best method of remembering something is to try your hardest for a minute and then forget about it. Have you ever tried to remember a name then given up only to have it pop into your mind later on while you where thinking about something complete... 2010-9-25 09:38:39 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#76054 That goofy droopyeyed look that comes with the complete loss of control of all facial muscles during the halfsecond immediately prior to an epic sneeze. 2010-9-22 07:09:13 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#75823 Not so long ago a pigeon appeared in our back yard. It had plastic rings around its legs so we knew it belonged to someone. I checked the Interwebs and found oodles of advice. It seems that homing pigeons get lost all the time. Anyway the advice for dealing with a lost pigeon boiled down to simply leaving it alone for a few days. It is probably just tired and needs a rest. If it hasnt left after a day or two try to catch it and read the tags on its legs which should have a unique code that can be checked online. So we waited. My family nicknamed it Geoffrey and we gave it bird food and water. At some point we left the garage door open and it moved in where it set about painting everything in BirdPoop White. After a week Geoffrey looked set to stay so we decided to investigate the tags. We did research on how to catch a pigeon. One method suggested sitting and waiting at the end of a trail of bird seed. The other proposed sneaking up on it and just grabbing itgently. We ... 2010-9-19 11:34:12 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#72220 When you are writing do you ever take the easy route By that I mean do you come to a scene and instead of sweating over how to make it as good as it can be you rush through it Or maybe you sneak a little bit of telling in when you should really be showing Maybe you whitewash over it when you ought to be getting the easel out and experimenting with the full palette at your disposal. Perhaps you use flat language when you really need to reach for that perfect metaphor. Or you ignore pacing and tension just because you want to get to the intense action scene in the next chapter where you get to describe the battle between the robots and the molepeople.Im guilty of doing all these things because there are times when I simply dont feel like doing more than the basics. Sometimes Im tired or bored and just want to move on to a more interesting bit of the plot. I do it hoping that noboody will notice. I stand there whistling a nonchalant tune with my hands in my pockets and my freshlywaxed hal... 2010-7-30 11:42:25 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#69726 I was fifteen years old when I first sat behind the wheel of a car with the intention of driving it. My mum suggested I park her prized VW Golf in the garage. Im not sure how the subject came up. I dont remember asking her or even discussing driving. Maybe she figured I was just getting to that age. All I know is that I ended up sitting in the drivers seat with the keys in my hand and with my mum in the passenger seat. A few seconds later we would be sitting in exactly the same positions but with the nose of the car pressed firmly against the back wall of the garage and a thin pall of dust drifting slowly to the ground.As with all of the traumatic events in my life the whole thing is indelibly etched into the region of my brain that holds onto things that it deems so important for my survival that if it were capable of clutching a permanent marker it would scribble them on my forehead. I remember my mum explaining the functions of the different pedals. I remember nodding and possibly s... 2010-7-7 09:40:12 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#67676 Ive been trying my best to think of something interesting to tell you in the lead up to Alpha sorry Alpha Redemption being let loose on an unsuspecting world. I was hoping to have some fascinating snippets of esoteric information to share with you regarding the arcane inner workings of the publication business. The only interesting thing Ive done no really is to sign up with the Chicago Manual of Style Online in the hope that I could hopefully pick up some tips on how to improve where possible my use of and application of commas because apparently too many commas can make your text virtually unreadable. Or so they say. I suppose I could tell you about the rereading and rechecking and rerereading. Or I could tell you about the gnawing feeling that youve missed something somewhere in the manuscript that youll only spot when the thing hits the shelves. Or maybe I could mention the glaring error I spotted this weekend in a rather important plot point that requi... 2010-6-18 10:07:18 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#67675 I have moments of weakness. Im a lot better than I used to be but I still have a problem handling lucrative celebrity book deals. I have been at peace with the whole menotyetpublished thing for some time now but theres something about celebrities being fawned over by publishing companies that irks me to the very soles of my waterproof Wellingtons. If you are anything like me the news that someone rich and famous has been published usually results in a carbfueled slump because hey Ive got a perfectly good story gathering dust on my hard drive but no agent or publisher has shown the slightest bit of interest even though Ive thrown my heart and soul into it and everyone whos seen it has loved it and Ive polished it so hard they could use it in the Hubble telescope. As a general rule the depth of my slump is directly proportional to the prior fame of the lucky author multiplied by their wealth plus the square of the distance of the source of that persons fame fro... 2010-5-31 10:06:13 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#67674 I was thinking the other day about a film I saw a few months back. It was The Rookie starring Dennis Quaid. If you havent seen it it is the true story of a middleaged man who gets a second chance to try out for major league baseball. He leaves his family and job behind and hits the road. At some point when things get tough he loses sight of his goals. Disillusioned he considers quitting. While out walking on day contemplating his future he passes a group of school kids playing a game of baseball. He realizes that these children are playing for the sheer joy of it. In a eureka moment he turns to a colleague and says Do you know what we get to do today Brooks We get to play baseball Sometimes when Im writing I forget why I started in the first place. I get so caught up in the desire to succeed that it becomes a chore and I lose sight of the sheer joy of writing. I mean how many people can say that they get to create worlds in their spare time We start with a bl... 2010-5-20 10:05:26 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#67673 You dont want to watch a scifi film while Im in the same roomyou can trust me on this. I annoy people. I annoy myself. I dont know why but I just cant seem to make it through an entire movie without flattening the pause button and saying something like Come one thats not right Im like that with most films but scifi is the worst. Appeals to dramatic license fall on deaf ears with me. Maybe two hundred years ago during a play when all the actors were men and the props were made of string and cardboard but not with todays technology and the general understanding of how things work. Today there should be no need for dramatic license. Okay there are exceptions where license is evoked on purpose see Gattaca for example but Im more concerned with those stories that try to come across as scientifically sound but then go and fail on the basics. Im better than I used to be but Im still not completely healed. I still cant watch Star Wars without getting irritated and i... 2010-5-6 10:04:32 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#67672 Im in the Doldrums at the moment at least as far as my writing is concerned. Ive got the sails up and the hatches battened down and Im ready to hit the high seas of literary endeavor but theres not a breath of wind out there. I am adrift on a sea of words but the gusts of inspiration arent blowing and wouldnt you know it I forgot to bring the outboard motor and the dodgy metaphors are gathering like seagulls around an overloaded fishing trawler. Which is why Im writing this now. Here on the New Author Fellowship were supposed to average about approximately roughly one blog entry a week and I already did mine on Friday. But Id rather be doing this than getting on with what I should be doing ie. writing my novel. Ive pondered this tendency I have of getting stuck and think the problem is that I cant do more than one thing at the same time. I cant multitask. Its probably a lame excuse but I cant think of any other reason. Heres an example I once walked daydream... 2010-4-27 10:03:28 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#67671 Time is odd isnt it It appears to trundle along in the background minding its own business without pomp or ceremony head down and jaw set never deviating from its path as it marks out our days months seasons and lives. But is it really doing that When I was young I wasted so much time. Its criminal really. I spent hours just sitting there waiting for something to happen. I remember one time sitting on the beach while my mum and stepdad had a blazing row. I dont remember how long I sat there but it was a long time. Or at least it felt like a long time. It felt like an eternity as I dug my toes in the sand wondering if this would be their last fight or just another in an ongoing series of fights. It turned out to be the latter which meant more spells on the beach or in my room or in the back seat of the carwaiting. But waiting for what Waiting for something to happen I guess. Waiting for something to change. Sometimes I look back at the time I wasted and my hear... 2010-4-23 10:02:36 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#67670 I think of myself as a writer but I once forgot how to spell house during a high school final exam. No lies. I dont know why but it just seemed to look wrong somehow. Normally my spelling is pretty good and I can rattle off long words like floccinaucinihilipilification and antidisestablishmentarianism without much problem. That day however I could not remember how to spell house. I get that with other words sometimes as wellusually short ones. Ill look at a word Ive seen a gazillion times before and go huh. If you dont mind getting all Zenlike try it for yourself. Take any word and look at it from a different angle. Take the word flood for example. Say it slowly and listen to the sounds. FLUD. Now look at the letters. FLOOD. Doesnt it look and sound a little weird Okay so maybe it doesnt always work but it was an important exam and I was really stressed out and maybe my brain was full and the word house was next in line to be evicted to make room for some oth... 2010-4-13 10:01:44 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#67669 Theres an expression in Britain and Australia too I believe backward in coming forward. It is used to describe someone who lacks confidence or who is shy. I think that if there is any idiom in the English language to describe my personality it is that one although I would add the word painfully in front of shy. When it comes to coming forward Im as backward as they come. As a small child I would hide under the stairs if a stranger particularly my future stepfather came to visit. As an older child I always sat by myself on the playground and only joined in with the others if someone asked me. As a teenager I found girls fascinating but lacked the courage to even attempt a conversation with one. I had my first date when I was nineteen and notched up a grand total of two thats 2 girlfriends the second one being my wife of twenty years. I was and to some extent still am very shy. Add to this a tendency towards being overly selfcritical and you have someone who ... 2010-4-7 10:00:58 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#67668 I do a lot of cycling mostly to work and back every day. Ive been doing it religiously for five years now. Its five miles each way so thats ten miles a day fifty miles a week over twohundred miles a month averaging about twothousand threehundred miles a year. So over the past five years Ive covered eleventhousand fivehundred miles Now this surprized me Ive just worked it out because it didnt feel so far. I mean thats like traveling half way around the equator or going from Iraq to Hawaii If each mile were a knitting stitch Id probably have a pair of socks by now or maybe even a scarf and gloves see Kristens post httpnewauthors.wordpress.com20100213onestitchatatimee280a6. Ive worn out five sets of tires and three bicycles. Ive broken dozens of spokes and lost count of the punctures. Ive cycled in sun rain hail and snow. One time I cycled in a side wind strong enough to bring trees down and blow trucks off the road remind me to tell you about that one some ... 2010-3-12 10:00:05 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#67667 Ive been doing this for quite a long time now and in spite of my best efforts and being told by many people that I should be published I have yet to have a single word make its way to print. Heres what I have learned over the years as an aspiring writer you can follow all the rules of good writing and produce a story of publishable standard and not be published you can break all the rules of good writing and produce a story that should never have made it past the editor and be published you can do writing courses and attend conferences and network for years and not find a publisher you can show your manuscript to one person who knows someone who happens to know an agent and be published you can study the market and write a novel that fits perfectly with current and emerging trends and not be published you can write something completely offthewall that flies in the face of current and emerging trends and be published After finding an agent and coming close... 2010-3-4 09:59:01 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#67664 Theres no excuse for it really. Im fit relatively and healthy relatively. I own a computer that almost never crashes with an English keyboard that has no sticky or missing keys. I have at least two wordprocessors that will format my words into a staggering array of fonts and styles including emboss engrave and even hidden why would anyone ever need that. Last night I had six hours of sleep which is a lot for me so I feel rested and alert. I am not overly thirsty nor am I hungry. I have no persistent aches or pains. There really is no excuse. I think the problem is that I am in that strange twilight not the book zone where I desperately want to continue with a novel but cant focus because I am waiting for a finished manuscript to be read by my beta victims readers. My mind cant seem to shake that heady mix of hope and dread that takes me back to my childhood days when I would proudly present my latest work of art to a parent or teacher in the hope of elici... 2010-2-16 09:55:31 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#67663 I thought it would be fun to come up with a tongueincheek list of things that describe what it means to be a writer or more specifically a Christian writer. Ive started with some of mine. Please feel free to add your own. 1 The second thing you think about in the morning is your latest story. As a Christian your first thought should be about God. 2 The secondtolast thing you think about at night is your latest story. See point 1. 3 You spend all day trying to find time to write but when you finally do find the time you think of a million other things to do first such as reading Leviticus. 4 Other people look around and see life. You look around and see potential plot points. 5 You try to simply enjoy reading other peoples stories but cant help critiquing them. 6 Spotting a typo in a published authors novel is a source of satisfaction. You later repent of this. 7 Spotting a major plot error in a published authors novel is a source of joy. You later ... 2010-2-7 09:53:13 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#67662 Last time Finding My Voice I cant sing. I dont know why but I just cant get the right noises to come from my vocal chords. It always sounds fine inside my head but something happens between my brain and my lips and its not pretty. I stopped trying to sing in the company of other people a long time ago. I now mime the words and listen to those around me who are blessed with the ability to make music with their mouths. I used to sing but that was not good. Whenever I tried heads would turn brows would furrow and the space around my person would mysteriously expand. One time I tried to help some friends remember a praise and worship tune by singing the opening bars. I thought I did a pretty good rendition but someone snickered. So not only does my singing upset people it makes them less Christian as well. The late great Al Oerter at 64. Its a genetic thing I think because my brother cant sing to save his life. I remember standing in a tiny church at a wed... 2010-2-2 09:47:53 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#67661 Last time A Growing Pile of Rejection Letters Not so long ago I was browsing through an online music catalog to see if I could find anything of interest. Normally Christian music is listed as a separate genre. In this particular catalog however the Christian artists were lumped in with the all the rest under genres like rock and pop and easy listening. This meant that I had to trawl through thousands of artists to try to find something to my taste. What struck me was just how many bands there are out there. Every now and then a familiar name would appear but the vast majority were names I had never heard before. That got me thinking about what it is that separates the bands that nobody knows from the BANDS that are household names. I think a lot of it has to do with the sound. Every now and then a band comes along that can make music that is not just pleasing to the ear but also distinctive. It is this unique sound that lifts them above the rest and makes the... 2010-1-28 09:47:25 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#67659 Last time The Urge to Write When the agents letter arrived asking if they could see the full manuscript I think I set a new world record for getting from my front door to our local post office. I dont remember much about the next few weeks. Part of me wanted them to like it. Another part expected them to send me the usual rejection letter. We prayed over it and left it in Gods hands. Three weeks later a letter dropped through the mailbox. They liked The Wire but felt it needed more dialogue. I spent a week revising the manuscript. I sent if off again. Two weeks later they replied. I read the letter. I read it again. My hands started shaking. One sentence stood out from all the rest May we represent you in selling The Wire At this point I honestly thought I had begun a new career as a writer. I immediately set about writing down three more ideas and submitted them. The agent liked them all and took them on. In the meantime the rejection letters started coming... 2010-1-25 09:45:21 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#67658 Do you remember the very first time you felt the desire to write More specifically do you remember the first time you felt the desire to write for God I think I can pinpoint it to a period of about two weeks almost thirteen years ago. I was fed up with my job. I was a brand new Christian complete with diaper dummy and squeaky stroller. I was working as a trainee programmer in a large openplan office with about forty staunch atheists. I happened to mention to a colleague that I was going to be busy that Sunday. Doing what they asked. Church I said. Why they asked. Because Im a Christian I said. The word that there was a religious nut in their midst spread around the office at lightspeed. Most were bemused and would ask questions like So you raise your hands and clap and sing and stuff Many would shake their heads in pity as if I was suffering from a terminal illnesss. It wasnt so bad at first but then people started taking every opportunity to trip me up. ... 2010-1-22 09:43:55 http://www.pabaines.com/page8.htm#67657 Okay Im not really interested in vampires. All I know is that they are an ancient myth popularized in fiction by John Polidori and later Bram Stoker. So when Twilight fever hit I was curious to see what all the fuss was about. Some people loved it. Others hated it with a passion. Not one to make a judgment based on other peoples opinions I read the first two chapters.What did I think Well I had this sudden overpowering urge to write a spoof. But instead of a vampire I thought it would be fun to use a zombie. So here is the first chapter of Ned A Zombie Love Story written in the style of Twilight. Any errors are intentional.Chapter 1My name is Nelly Flounce. It was my last day in the city and the weather was really bad. I hated bad weather because it made me feel bad. Later it became sunny but I hated the sun and that made my mood even worse. In the afternoon it was neither cold nor sunny. I hated that because it was boring. Soon however I would be in Skewer where the weather was always... 2010-1-15 09:41:04