This week, one of the authors of the SOPA bill demonstrated his in-depth knowledge of the Internet by playing solitaire and reading his emails, one of which just happened to be a lengthy letter of criticism of the SOPA bill from some of the key people responsible for the development of the Internet.

When asked by a reporter if he planned to respond to the email, the senator replied that he would, just as soon as he could get some stamps from the post office.

He then logged onto Lolcatz and spent ten minutes laughing and pointing at the pictures while repeating the text in an exaggerated voice. He went on to explain that he was pretty sure cats did not really talk like that, because his sister had a cat and it never spoke, at least not when he was in the room.

When asked if he had the IP address bookmarked, the senator panicked and closed his laptop, claiming it was cold and that he was scared it would catch a virus.

Next week, a group of senators will bring in their brand new Macbook Airs and demonstrate their wordprocessing skills using permanent markers and a bottle of correction fluid.

This week saw a dramatic turn of events on Holland's roads as the entire nation ground to a halt in a massive gridlock that left vehicles unable to move.

The tipping point came at 12:45pm on Saturday when Els van Flink of Delft drove her brand new Ford Fiesta out of her local dealership and took the last available space on Holland's crowded road network.

Holland has now effectively become the world's largest carpark as people sit in their vehicles, shouting at everyone and hooting their horns. The event also saw the crash of Twitter and Facebook as fourteen million drivers rushed to be the first to tell everyone that they were in a traffic jam.

Jan van Janssen, the Dutch Minister of Hats and Sunglasses, announced on his blog that he had known this would happen "for ages" but that nobody would listen. Meanwhile, the Minister of Traffic Congestion responded on his own blog that, short of covering the entire country in tarmac, there was little that could be done. "Holland is a very small country and, although we almost won the World Cup in 1974, there are limits to what we can achieve. There simply is not enough room."

Speaking from his super-wide stretch Humvee, currently serving as a hotel for stranded motorists in the heart of the Randstad, the Minister of Obscure Legislation suggested that companies should equip their workers with laptops to allow them to work from their vehicles. "We are an adaptable people," he said, pausing to serve bread and cheese to a small group of visiting Belgians. "And although this is a terrible thing, we will find a way to live with it."

Some, however, see this as a good thing for Holland. Jan "Peloton" Pantoffel, captain of the Dutch cycling team and current World Cheese Champion, suggested people should get on their bikes and pedal everywhere. "It is very healthy," he said, "and makes you strong in the legs" at which point he proceeded to flex his quadruceps for the benefit of nearby motorists.

The problem of how to deal with the gridlock will be discussed next week in the back of the Prime Minister's Volkswagen Polo which will also be hosting a series of concerts by the touring Swiss National Philharmonic Orchestra.

My short essay 'Show Me How to Show' is featured in the Winter 2011 edition of Starsongs Magazine, available here.

Aimed at young authors, the piece explains the difference between telling your reader that there is a dinosaur in your vegetable patch, and showing it.

For the past few weeks I have been featuring a series of interviews with authors of Christian speculative fiction.

My guest today is Nick Giannaras, author of The Relics of Nanthara trilogy from MuseItUp Publishing. You can purchase Book 1 of the trilogy, The Relics of Nanthara at Amazon or the MuseItUp store.


- Nick, how long have you been writing?
I’ve been writing actively for five years.

- When did you feel called to write?
When a lady spoke into my life, saying that there were untapped talents that needed to be revealed, I haven’t stopped since.

- Where do you get your ideas for your stories?
My first novel actually came from an old Dungeons & Dragons game I ran years ago. The rest come in various ways: a title, a song, a movie, a verbal idea from my kids, and pure imagination.

- Was it hard to develop a writing style?
Nope. When I type, it flows as it is given to me.

- Have you dealt with writer's block? If so, how did you overcome it?
Hmmm, the main way I deal with it is I sit down with my wife and verbally discuss the story up to the sticking point. On many occasions she has come up with an idea or a tidbit that sparks new ideas for the story to continue. Gotta love her!

- Do you find a part of your personality sneaking into any of your characters?
Yes. In my trilogy, Relics of Nanthara, I’ve found several of my traits in more than one character. Odd that it played out like that, but I try to spread the love.

- Do you use outlines or let the story develop on its own?
I’ve done both. Most of the time, it flows on its own.

- What do you want your readers to take from your book(s)?
I want their hearts touched by what the characters experience to the point of wanting to change their own lives for the better. Although it is YA, I try not to sugar coat the stories, and I am not afraid to portray real world strife and horror in my stories. It’s not hidden from the kids today, so why hide the truth in words?

- Can you share any upcoming projects with us?
Currently, I am finishing up Relics of Nanthara: Dawn of the Apocalypse, Book 3 in the trilogy, and I have several other projects in the works at various stages of completion. One is a Sci-Fi superhero, The Nuclear Fist Chronicles; three take place in Nanthara, The Onyx Tomes (taking place 30 years after the trilogy); Sons of the Trident (most likely a trilogy); and We Came To Die (a mercenary seeking revenge after being left for dead). I also have a historical fiction, Enemy Within The Ranks.

- Can you share one or two nuggets of wisdom to those wanting to travel down the writing road?
Don’t write for money. If God is part of your life, write for Him. That is, write with a purpose, a message. Bless God in your work, and watch what He’ll do for you. I’ve seen it in my practice and in all things I do, and I’ve never been sorry.

- Where can readers find your books and contact information?
For The Relics of Nanthara trilogy, my website is relicsofnanthara.weebly.com. Once the others show, I will either create a separate site or link them.

- Do you spend time in prayer before you write or begin a project?
Most of the time, I actually wear a prayer shawl when I write. And I do pray at times, asking God what he has for me or perhaps a direction to take.

- Thank you for visiting with us today, Nick.

This month I have been featuring a series of interviews with authors of Christian speculative fiction.

My guest today is Adam Graham, co-author of Tales of a Dim Knight, published by Splashdown Books.


- So Adam, how long have you been writing?   
Since I was eight, almost nine years old. Before the San Francisco Earthquake, I was writing Batman-Superman Fanfiction.

- Where do you get your ideas for your stories?
Everywhere: Sermons at church, out of the blue. Sometimes, I’ll get ideas from TV shows, particularly one where I don’t enjoy the episode and I imagine how it really should be told.

- Do you find a part of your personality sneaking into any of your characters?
Here and there, probably the clown and sarcastic tendencies are the ones most likely to appear.

- Were there any scenes you found difficult to write? Made you angry or made you cry?
I’m working on a Short Story that’s trying to become a novelette and the final confrontation scene was very tough. The story deals with child abuse and I kept wanting to handle the whole thing more clinically. What we finally ended up writing after much coaxing from my wife, was something that packs more of a punch, and did make me cry writing it.

- Can you share any upcoming projects with us?
Upcoming. I’ve three big ideas that I have to struggle to get to:

1) The Return of the Dim Knight. This is going to be a challenging book to write. My challenge is going to be to grow my characters personally, emotionally, and spiritually from the last book without going too far. We’re still going to have some comedy, but it will be a slightly different tone.  It’s the Superhero sequel that I hope readers will be waiting for.

2) Case Files of the Selfish Detective: Not really a speculative story, but will feature a character from Tales of the Dim Knight, Neil Worthington. Worthington is a genius detective who tries to model his life off of the combined efforts of Sherlock Holmes, Nero Wolfe, and Hercule Poirot. He lives alone mostly, irritating household staff, and driving them away. Then one day, Worthington is on the sidewalk and a car almost runs him over but a young woman saves him, but is hit herself and gets amnesia. Worthington pays her medical bills and brings her onboard. Her mission is to remember who she is and to get Worthington to use his powers for good.

3) The Graham works: Podcast - Yes, I want to start recording podcast of my works, both published and unpublished, so that people can enjoy them and I can grow my audience. But not something I’ve been able to find time to do yet.

- Tell us a little about yourself. What do you like to do when you are not writing? What is your temperament, etc.?
I love old time radio and radio drama in general. Spend a lot of time listening to that and producing podcasts on old time radio.

- With a full schedule, how do you find time to write?
I’ve invented something called a caffeine I.V. Sadly, don’t find enough.

- Can you share one or two nuggets of wisdom to those wanting to travel down the writing road?
In modern writing, there are two types of rules: 1) rules that are absolute and hard and fast and 2) things that are a matter of opinion and style but get stated as rules. A good writer has to be able to tell the difference.

- Where can readers find your books and contact information?
www.dimknight.com

- Do you spend time in prayer before you write or begin a project?
Not as much as I should.

- What is your writing routine? Do you need peace and quiet, soft music, or does it matter?
If I get into one of those “inspired modes,” I can have a spell and turn out a few thousand word short story in a day. What Ideally I need is good classical or instrumental music playing in the background with Facebook and email closed.

This month I have been featuring a series of interviews with authors of Christian speculative fiction.

My guest today is Cindy Koepp, author of Remnant in the Stars, due to be released by Under The Moon in spring 2012.

- How long have you been writing, Cindy?
Oh, most of 33 years. My mother has an old short story I wrote when I was six or seven. The hobby continued on since then.

- When did you feel called to write?
I don’t know. I don’t know if I was ever "called". About five years ago, when I was more irritated with teaching than usual, I asked God if he’d object to me being a full-time writer. That hasn’t happened yet, but I’ve made lots of connections with other writers and critique groups and the like. I even have a contract now for one of my books.

- Where do you get your ideas for your stories?
Sometimes they get left in my mental voice mail with no mention of the source on the caller ID. Other times they’re based on some misadventure in my own life with the decimal point moved over several orders of magnitude.

- What are your thoughts on critique groups?
I’ve been in a few. One was ultra-competitive. That was pretty useless. The deal was that you’d upload a chunk of text then review others’ works on the site to earn credits so yours would be reviewed. Writers reviewed each other and ranked the work on a 5-star system. That sounds interesting, but many people ran afoul of glowing feedback to go along with low ratings. Some people were the recipients of a copied-and-pasted review. There was some handy feedback, but it was a lot of work for a little return.

Another group critiques on a volunteer system. That works okay.

The third group has been really useful. We take turns critiquing half-novels. I get the most useful feedback from this group. It takes ~8 months to get feedback for a whole novel, but what I get has been immensely helpful.

- Who is your favorite author?
One is definitely Gordon Dickson. I enjoyed the Childe Cycle. Each story stands alone but all of them work together for an ultimate purpose. Bruce Hale’s Chet Gecko series is hilarious. Jude Watson’s Jedi Apprentice series had excellent characterization.

- Do you use outlines or let the story develop on its own?
I use not just outlines, but very detailed descriptions of the characters, places, societies, maps, and anything I can come up with that might even be vaguely important to the plot. I often have 20 or more pages of notes before I start writing the actual story.

- What do you want your readers to take from your book(s)?
First of all, I want the stories to be entertaining. I don’t mean gut-busting hilarious, but interesting to read. Since so many of the stories have at least some beginning in my own misadventures, I hope that readers will either identify with someone in the story or maybe understand something a little better.

- Can you share any upcoming projects with us?
I have a book called Remnant in the Stars under contract with Under the Moon. It’s about a navigator searching for his missing child and a pilot dealing with an undiagnosable illness. If all goes according to Hoyle, we’ll finish the editing process by the end of December, and it should see print in the spring of 2012.

I’m also working with a group of writers on an anthology.

- How do you respond when someone comments that certain elements (magic, vampires, zombies, etc.) in your story does not fit in what they consider to be Christian?
About seven or eight years ago, a friend questioned the magic use in one of my books. He gave me a detailed explanation for why that was not Christian. I did some praying and some thinking and decided he was more right than I was. The way I had handled the magic was very occultic. I rewrote the story, keeping the basic plot, and scrapped the magic use. I actually like the rewrite better than the original.

- Tell us a little about yourself. What do you like to do when you are not writing? What is your temperament, etc.?
When I’m not writing or doing prep and paperwork for school, I sew, crochet, do needlework, play computer games, and try to find recipes for things I can actually eat.

I tend to be the quiet, keep-to-myself type, but I can get pretty goofy when I’m with people I know well.

At work, though, I’m more out-spoken. Diplomacy is not a skill I was gifted with.

- When creating a character, where do you begin? Do you give them a background even if it may never be mentioned in the storyline?
The characters often have a very detailed background. The key players and other frequent flyers get all kinds of information. Often I have intentions of including it somewhere, but when I get there, that doesn’t make sense, so it just stays in the background information. Lesser folks sometimes don’t have more than name, appearance, and the details needed for story.

- Can you share one or two nuggets of wisdom to those wanting to travel down the writing road?
Find a group of other writers you can share with who’ll be honest with you whether something doesn’t work or something went fabulously. Ego-boosters are nice, but they don’t help you progress. Likewise, brow-beaters don’t ever give you the encouragement you need to keep on plugging away.

Don’t give up. This isn’t an easy gig, but then nothing worthwhile ever is.

Take advice from other, more experienced folks. When the advice contradicts other expert advice, you have some leeway to consider what fits your idiom.

Above all, be careful that you don’t do something that will cause someone else to blaspheme God.

- Where can readers find your books and contact information?
I have a Facebook author page. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Cindy-Koepp-Author/136438443108872?v=wall

I also have a webpage at ckoepp.com and two blogs that I update when I have something interesting to say: ckoepp.xanga.com and ckoepp.blogspot.com.

- Do you spend time in prayer before you write or begin a project?
Not for each writing session or project necessarily, but I often talk to God, and the subject of my writing comes up now and again.

- What is your writing routine? Do you need peace and quiet, soft music, or does it matter?
I like to sit on my couch with a notebook and pen in hand and a glass of water nearby. I don’t focus well with noise, so I prefer quiet. Once I have the stuff written, I enter it into the computer using either the keyboard or some voice recognition software. Then I can edit and revise. Sometimes I do that on the screen. Other times, I make the font stupidly small … like 8 or 9 point … and print it out. That depends on whether it’s an early draft or a later one. Earlier drafts will need much more shuffling and fixing, so I print those. Later ones are usually more stable, and I can do those on the computer.

- Thank you for visiting with us today, Cindy.
Great fun had by all!

This month I have been featuring a series of interviews with authors of Christian speculative fiction.

My guest today is Caprice Hokstad, author of the Ascendancy Trilogy fantasy novels, The Duke’s Handmaid, and Nor Iron Bars a Cage. Caprice is also a contributing author in Aquasynthesis, an anthology of short stories.

- How long have you been writing, Caprice?
Fiction? About fifteen years.

- When did you feel called to write?
I don’t feel like I have been "called" to write as some sort of mandate from God. If God tells you to write, of course you should obey, but God hasn’t really told me I have to write. Does a Christian have to be "called" to knit? Or can it just be a hobby? I don’t believe crosses or fish symbols must be woven deep into every design of every scarf in order for knitting to be a legitimate use of a Christian’s time. I enjoy writing and my beliefs will affect everything I write, but I don’t think I am "called" to write.

- Where do you get your ideas for your stories?
I really don’t know. I have a very weird brain and thoughts pop into it without any return address.

- What are your thoughts on critique groups?
I think they are important for beginners. I also think it’s incredibly hard to find one that is helpful. You need people to understand the genre and you need at least one or two people in the group to know more than you do about the craft. I prefer one-on-one critique "partners" over groups.

- Have you dealt with writer's block? If so, how did you overcome it?
My biggest block came from limiting myself to working on only "worthy" (i.e. publishable) projects. I am having trouble finding an audience for my published books. So, instead of writing the third book in that trilogy, I spent a lot of "blocked" time looking for a new project that would help me find or build an audience. I came up with a great setting and a good plot for an undersea science fiction, but it’s dead in the water for lack of good characters to pull it off. So then I started writing fanfiction for fun. Once I allowed myself to write for fun and for readers instead of for publishing, I had a lot less trouble with writer’s block. I regularly pump out about 5000 (final draft) words a week now.

- Do you find a part of your personality sneaking into any of your characters?
Yes. More with villains than heroes. But isn’t that what makes it fun? It’s socially acceptable to plot the perfect crime for a character to pull off. Characters can say and do what I can’t.

- Were there any scenes you found difficult to write? Made you angry or made you cry?
I find scenes difficult to perfect, but not really to bang out. I want a precise progression of thoughts and emotions and I’m never happy until the words produce the exact effect I want. I play with word choices and sentence structure a lot. Do I cry? Yes. But that really isn’t saying much since I cry over movies and TV shows and reading blogs and all kinds of other things too.

- What do you want your readers to take from your book(s)?
I want them love the story. I want them to feel elated for the climax, but sad because it’s over. I want to leave them hungry for more. I want them to pass it on to a friend or two or five. I want them to feel strongly enough that they go post a review on Amazon or sit and write me an email just because they feel like they need to talk about it.

- Can you share any upcoming projects with us?
My short story/mini-novella "Fettered Soul", which is a prequel to my novels appears in the bestselling anthology "Aquasynthesis" from Splashdown Books. My seaQuest fanfiction is presently available for free at http://UnderseaAdventure.net. I am finally writing the third book of my Ascendancy Trilogy, as yet unnamed, but should be released in 2012.
 
- How do you respond when someone comments that certain elements (magic, vampires, zombies, etc.) in your story does not fit in what they consider to be Christian?
I tell them that any Christian label has been applied by others, not by me. I usually ask that person if they consider Narnia "Christian" and if they say yes, then I point out all the magic, witches, lack of mention of Jesus, bloody battles (or whatever they object to) in that. If they say no, then I say, "Fine, I’m with C.S. Lewis in the mainstream then."

- Tell us a little about yourself. What do you like to do when you are not writing? What is your temperament, etc.?
I like swimming and I am obsessed with the ocean. I love the beach, but I don’t go there very much because of driving and the crowds. I hate crowds. I love going to Sea World or the Birch Aquarium when they’re in off-season. I really want to learn to scuba dive someday, but it’s too expensive to consider right now. I also would love to live in an undersea colony.

- Where can readers find your books and contact information?
www.latoph.com

- What is your writing routine? Do you need peace and quiet, soft music, or does it matter?
I prefer peace and quiet, but that isn’t always available to me. I never purposely add noise like music or TV, but I live in a mobile home with four other people and our house is situated in a mobile home park where I’m too close to neighbors, so I can’t always escape other people’s noise. I can usually edit with more noise than I can handle during a first draft. Sometimes, if the distraction level is too great, I just have to change modes and do something else that doesn’t require as much concentration (like read email, do facebook). I have been known to sacrifice sleep in order to get good writing time.

All this month I will be featuring a series of interviews with authors of Christian speculative fiction.

Today's guest is Yvonne Anderson , author of The Story in the Stars , the first book in the Gateway to Gannah series.

- So, Yvonne, how long have you been writing?
I started writing since I was old enough to hold a crayon. But as far as writing seriously, with hopes of publication? That began in 2002. I was offered my first publishing contract in 2011.

- When did you feel called to write?
See above. It was in February. Two of my four kids were grown and on their own, the younger two were in school, and my hours at work had recently been cut to twelve hours a week. And, we’d just gotten a new computer. While cleaning up the kitchen after breakfast, it occurred to me that everything had fallen into place for me; it was time to write that book that had been in the back of my mind for the past couple of decades. I tried to brush away the idea, but eventually I realized it wasn’t just an idea, it was the Holy Spirit nudging me. I prayed about it, and the urge persisted. I’ve prayed about it every day since. I don’t want to waste my time doing this if the Lord wants me to do something else instead, but every day, He gives me the green light to go ahead. And so I plod on.

- Who is your favorite author?
I have no favorite author. Nor favorite color, food, movie, book, etc. I don’t think I’m wishy-washy, I just enjoy too many things to narrow it down.

- Do you find a part of your personality sneaking into any of your characters?
Yes, I think this is inevitable, though I try to counteract it by making my characters do things I never would.

- Do you use outlines or let the story develop on its own?
I’m a seat-of-the-pants plotter. However, before I start writing, I know the beginning, the end, and two pivotal events that will take place along the way, as well as the major characters. But other than that, I’m as surprised about what happens as the reader is. It’s fun.

- What do you want your readers to take from your book(s)?
I want people to enjoy my books and find things in them to think about after they’re through. Mostly, though, I hope they’ll see God’s truth reflected in my stories.

- How do you respond when someone comments that certain elements (magic, vampires, zombies, etc.) in your story do not fit in what they consider to be Christian?
If someone told me that, I’d agree with him. I don’t incorporate those elements in my stories.

- Can you share one or two nuggets of wisdom to those wanting to travel down the writing road?
I have five nuggets to share, but I’m not sure what they’re nuggets of:
1. If you’re a Christ-follower, pray about this. You’re looking at a huge investment of time and energy, not to mention money if you go to conferences and such. So you should be sure you’re doing what the Lord wants you to do. (If you’re not a Christ-follower, I have no advice for you other than that you consider changing that situation.)
2. Be patient; be diligent; be humble; learn as much as you can, make as many contacts as you can, and be aware that you’re just starting out. You have much to learn.
3. Pray about it.
4. Be patient; be diligent; be humble; learn as much as you can, make as many contacts as you can, and know that the Lord is God.
5. Pray about it. Maybe now that you’re getting the hang of it, He wants you to write a different sort of story or to change genres, as He did with me. I never even read science fiction when He put me to work writing it. You never know what He’s going to lead you to do.
 
- Do you spend time in prayer before you write or begin a project?
Yes.

- Can you share any upcoming projects with us?
In January 2011 I signed a three-book contract with Risen Books for a space fantasy series, Gateway to Gannah. The first book, The Story in the Stars, was released in June; Book #2 will probably come out in December, and I expect the third to be released in the middle of 2012. I’m currently revising #3 in preparation for submitting it to the publisher, and I also have a good idea in my mind of what’s going to happen in Book #4. I have no contract for anything beyond the third book, but I expect I’ll keep writing more in the series for the next few years, because I have several story ideas still to work out.

- Where can readers find your books and contact information?
Readers can connect with me through my blog at www.YsWords.com . The Story in the Stars (and later, subsequent titles in the series) can be purchased in paperback or e-book formats at Amazon  or through the publisher’s website .

This week I will be featuring a series of interviews with authors of Christian speculative fiction. These are people who are passionate about sharing their faith through stories that glorify God.

Please welcome today's guest, Kimberli Reneé Campbell, author of The Sword of Light series of books. Kimberli graciously agreed to visit with me and share some of her thoughts.

- How long have you been writing, Kimberli?
I have been writing for over 10 years. However, I still have a lot to learn.

- When did you feel called to write?
I can't say I remember a specific time when the Lord put the desire in my heart. All I know now is I have a deep need to write the stories he gives me.

- Do you spend time in prayer before you write or begin a project?
My relationship with the Lord is most important. I don't feel that I can really write to my fullest potential unless the Lord and I communicate. We are a team.

- How do you respond when someone comments that certain elements (magic, vampires, zombies, etc.) in your story does not fit in what they consider to be Christian?
 Hm...I do have sorcery in my books, but it's clearly stated that it's wrong. As for what they consider magic, I don't see it as magic. Shayia's sword glows and the Word appears on it. I believe those to be the manifestation of God's awesome power. He used the staff of Moses, caused a donkey to speak, and so much more. I think this is a topic that people will always see differently, which is all right. I must write what I feel the Lord has asked me to write. I do so to bring him glory and to draw his children closer to him.

- Where do you get your ideas for your stories?
Boy, the ideas come from everywhere. The series I'm writing now came from a dream. I have a romance/suspense story from watching an old blue pickup truck stopped in front of me at a stoplight. It's fun watching people in hopes the images will produce a story.

- What makes Redemption: Shayia's Adventures - Book Two a must read for young readers?
 Aside from the back to back action and suspense, this book touches on issues like bullying, feeling alone, and sharing the Good News. It would be great to see the book used in a classroom setting to help children dealing with any of these issues.

- Who is your favorite author?
I enjoy reading books by Donita K. Paul, Terri Blackstock, and Ted Dekker...just to name a few.

- Were there any scenes you found difficult to write? Made you angry or made you cry?
One of the issues the main character and his friends deal with is bullying. Bullying makes me angry. As for crying, in the third book of the series, there is a part where I teared up. I didn't have to breakout the tissues, but it was close.

- What do you want your readers to take from your book(s)?
 I would love for the readers to come away with a spirit of victory and that they've been on an awesome adventure. Learning the importance of a relationship with the Lord, family, and friends is also something I'd like them to walk away with. And, let's not forget the desire to read the next book.

- Can you share any upcoming projects with us?
 I would love to share. My book, Redemption: Shayia's Adventures - Book Two, will prayerfully be out this year.  I am currently working on book three of the series. I have no title at this time. I am not sure if the Lord has a book four, so I'll have to see what he has next.

- Tell us a little about yourself. What do you like to do when you are not writing? What is your temperament, etc.?
 I'm a quiet person. However, if you were to see me acting on stage, you would disagree. I would be content sitting quietly in a room (not padded) with a book and/or my iPad. I drive the speed limit and obey the rules of the road to the point that it gets on people's nerves. I HATE emotional mind games. In other words, if you have something to say, please say it...in love. :) Going for walks in nice weather is something I enjoy when not writing. There is more, but that's a good start.

- Can you share one or two nuggets of wisdom to those wanting to travel down the writing road?
I encourage writers to get connected with other writers - critique groups, forums, etc. They are a great place to get encouragement and be challenged. Also, continue to write and sharpen your craft. No excuses. :)

- Where can readers find your books and contact information?
The best place is www.theswordoflight.com. The book is also available on Amazon. You can visit my blog at www.hiswriter.blogspot.com. I would love to connect with other writers and readers.

- Thank you for visiting with us today Kimberli.
Thanks for allowing me to visit with you.

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Mister Metro. Saving the world and looking good doing it!

As the world continues to struggle to recover from the recent economic crisis with the man-in-the-street still feeling the aftershocks, I was fortunate to secure an interview with the head of the International Bankers Society, Ivan Tallyo Monet, on his 400-foot yacht "The Venturist" currently moored off the coast of the beautiful city of Monte Carlo.
















Ivan welcomes me on board his yacht.


PB: Thank you for welcoming me onto your magnificent yacht Mr. Monet. Is that chair real gold?

Ivan: You are very welcome. Yes, it is real gold. In fact, most of the fittings and furniture on this yacht are real gold. I prefer gold to other metals. It has a quality that most other metals lack, don't you think?

PB: And it is more expensive.

Ivan: Ah yes, but you cannot put a price on quality.

PB: Indeed. Mr Monet, I am here to get some insight into the workings of the IBC. People out there are suffering due to the mistakes made by the major banks. What do you say to those people who have lost everything while the bankers have got off scot-free?

Ivan: I understand the concerns of the working man. My father was a working man. He was an investment banker and we too struggled to survive. Many times we never knew where the next million would come from, or how we would put caviar on the table. I too understand the heartbreak of having to cancel a skiing holiday in the Swiss Alps because my father did not receive his full bonus that year. I know what it's like to have to settle for a Mercedes for my eighteenth birthday when what I really wanted was a Porsche. I understand that people feel angry at having to tighten their belts during this difficult time, but we all have to do our bit. For example, last week my entire staff was given a twenty-percent pay cut, and I had to let two people go. Now one of my gardeners has to collect the mail from the front gate. It is a difficult time, but we're all in this together.

PB: What do you say to people who see the banking system as being driven by greed?

Ivan: It's a dog-eat-dog world out there and you have to be tough to succeed. The desire for better things is the foundation of our financial system. Without what you call "greed", we would all be driving Toyotas and living in four-bedroom houses. Can you imagine that?

PB: What about the wild excesses   we've heard so much about?

Ivan: Bankers work hard and they play hard. It isn't easy thinking of new ways to get people to give you their money. Many bankers suffer from exhaustion. Can you blame them for wanting to let off a little steam every now and then.

PB: But drugs, and alcohol? And what about the wild parties?

Ivan: We like our employees to reward themselves. The important thing is team-work. Everyone in the banking industry is working towards the same goal: of making as much money as possible. We cannot afford to have loose cannons running around upsetting the applecart. Why, just last week we discovered a "born-again" Christian working on the trade floor. Can you imagine that? No smoking or drinking or taking drugs. He was a man who never acted on impulse, but always thought carefully before acting.

PB: He works in one of your banks?

Ivan: Not any more. We fired him. People like that are a bad influence. All it takes is one person with "morals" and the next thing you know we're not making as much money as last week. Then bonuses suffer. It's not good for morale. It's not good for the industry.

PB: But don't you think the banks should be held accountable for their mistakes? After all, it is because of them that many people have lost their homes and their jobs.

Ivan: We have paid for our mistakes. I think people should be more understanding.

PB: No, the taxpayers paid for your mistakes.

Ivan: I am a taxpayer. We are all taxpayers. And we do feel accountable. Why, during the period following the crash, one of our senior managers showed that bankers have a charitable side. He got his secretary to visit every room in the building to collect towards a fund to help one of the janitors who had lost his entire life-savings. You should have seen the look on his face when the manager presented him with more than twenty-five dollars in loose change. I heard he was so moved he couldn't speak. You can't tell me bankers don't feel some responsibility for what has happened.

PB: And what about the future? Can you guarantee that this won't happen again?

Ivan: Ah, if only I had a crystal ball. Then I would tell you about the future. I would also have a bigger yacht. I can tell you one thing though. We won't make the same mistakes as last time.





















"The Venturist" moored off Monte Carlo



PB: That will please many people.

Ivan: Yes, next time we will ask for bailout money from the government straight away, and we will ask for a lot more. Now, if you'll excuse me, this caviar cheesecake I had earlier has upset my stomach.

PB: Thanks you for the interview... I think.

Ivan: You're welcome. Listen, you're not busy are you? Could you lend me a hand? Only I fired the guy who normally wipes my arse.

PB: I'm afraid an emergency just came up. Good bye.



Join me next week when I interview Jeb Hall, a former janitor at the Mega Bucks Bank in New York, currently serving two years in jail for referring to a senior manager a the bank as a "tight-fisted douche-bag" and throwing a bag of loose change at his Mercedes-Benz.

I've worked in places like this...

In a surprise announcement on Monday, the Dutch government told reporters that summer has been officially cancelled this year. Standing outside the Ministry of Tulips, Windmills, Clogs and Cheese, the Dutch finance minister Jan van der Vander stated that he had included a reduction in nice weather as part of the country's austerity plans for 2011.

'It costs a lot of guilders to keep the sun shining,' van der Vander said. 'We cannot justify that kind of expense in this difficult economic climate.'

When a reporter raised the issue of tourism, the minister pointed out that nobody comes to Holland for the weather. And the locals vacate the county en-masse between June and August to clog up the motorways of neighbouring countries with their caravans, so they wouldn't care.

The new measures began this week, with a drop in temperatures, blustery wind, and torrential rain. Minister van der Vander officially launched the event with a ribbon-cutting ceremony before heading for the south of France with his Super Deluxe Caravanette, enough soft drugs to sink an aircraft-carrier, and an umbrella.

 



















The Dutch minister of finance (second from right) announces the new austerity measures before leaving for France.

Fancy trying some new authors without breaking the bank? For this weekend only (ending Monday July 4th) you can get any Kindle book from the Splashdown catalog on Amazon for just 99¢. Click here or search for "Splashdown Books Kindle".
 

Rejection Letters

The greatest number of rejection letters received by one writer is 1,076, a record held by Albert Norris (GB). During his thirty-year career, Albert sent his sci-fi novel "Robot Rebel" to every agent and publisher listed in the "Artist and Writers Yearbook" at least three times. Albert also holds the record for the shortest rejection letter, containing just three words: "please go away", as well as the record for the longest letter at just over twelve double-sided pages (not including the eight page letter from the publisher's lawyers explaining exactly why he should refrain from referring to their clients in his correspondence with them as "gormless pustules").

The record for the most number of calories consumed by a writer in one meal is 24,889 by Albert Norris (GB). After receiving yet another rejection letter for his sci-fi novel "Robot Rebel", Albert visited his local MacDonald's restaurant and did not leave for twenty-four hours. The effect of so many calories hitting his blood stream in such a short time was catastrophic and he was taken to the local hospital where surgeons were forced to replace his entire digestive system with metal tubing. Albert has since given up writing and is now employed by the RAF as a mobile radar scrambling device.

The longest single continuous period of depression experienced by a writer after receiving a rejection letter is 29 years and 2 months, held by Albert Norris (GB) between August 1980 and October 2010. Albert became "disheartened" shortly after receiving his first rejection letter for his sci-fi novel "Robot Rebel". After receiving his third letter he became "fed up". By the time the seventh rejection letter arrived, he had descended into full-blown depression and refused to cheer up, even when his long-suffering wife Enid offered to make him his favourite pudding for supper. Albert is well-know at his local pub where he sits in the corner, muttering into his beer, feeding pages of his manuscript to the fire, and rambling on about "gormless pustules" to anyone who will listen.

The record for the most number of drafts of a single manuscript is held by Albert Norris (GB) for his sci-fi novel "Robot Rebel". During the thirty years that Albert has been working on "Rebel", he has created 856 versions, including 211 complete rewrites (many as a result of the previous version being lost to fire during fits of depression), 252 partial rewrites, and almost 300 "tweaks". It is estimated that Albert has written more words than are contained in the entire works of William Shakespeare even though he has never seen a word published.

Procrastination

The single greatest feat of procrastination ever performed by a writer is that of Ellie Carbuncle (US) who, on January 2nd 2009, sat down at her desk to start work on her debut romantic novel "Fools in Love" at 07:46 and did not type anything until 22:06 that evening. During the intervening period, she checked her email 97 times, checked her Facebook account 104 times, checked her Twitter account 317 times, tweeted 45 times, completed two 500-word blogs, looked up the word "chagrin" twice, visited Fail Blog 12 times, visited Lolcatz 9 times, organized her desk, ordered a book from Amazon , reorganized her desk, cancelled the order from Amazon, changed her wallpaper 5 times, ordered a DVD from Amazon, found the same DVD cheaper at Barnes& Noble so ordered from there instead, realized she could get it cheaper from Amazon if she combined it with the book she originally ordered to save postage, telephoned her critique partner Wendy (spending a total of 3 hours and 2 minutes on the phone, of which 3 hours and 1 minute was spent discussing Wendy's new boyfriend), visited the bathroom 6 times, visited the kitchen 14 times, counted her paperclips twice, and counted the leaves on the pot plant in her window. When Ellie eventually did start typing at 22:06, she wrote the sentence: "Samantha sighed as she gazed into his eyes." Ellie also holds the record for the least number of words typed during a single 24 hour period.

The record for the most occurrences of a single word in any one novel is 4, 298 held by Ellie Carbuncle (US). In her debut romantic novel "Fools in Love" the word "love" appears more times than in any other published novel in history. Ellie later went on to break this record with the sequel to "Fools in Love" titled "My Lovely Love" where she uses the word a staggering 6,089 times. Ellie also hold the same records for the second and third placed words "sigh" and "gaze" which appear 2,324 and 836 times each.

Thesaurus Abuse

In 2010, an independent panel of experts examined hundreds of bestselling books to determine the most liberal use of inappropriate words in a single novel. This honour went to Ellie Carbuncle (US) for her debut romantic novel "Fools in Love". According to the judges, Ms Carbuncle's use of her thesaurus is breathtakingly misguided, and they recorded a staggering total of 2,753 cases where the word used was not only inappropriate, but also misleading. According to the head judge: "Ms Carbuncle appears to have adopted the practice of opening her thesaurus at every opportunity and using it find the most obscure word possible. The result is a book that is not only wordy, but also virtually unintelligible to the average reader." In spite of this dubious honour, "Fools in Love" has gone on to become one of the best selling books of all time.

When I was a kid I really wanted to be a superhero. Perhaps that's why I prefer to wear my underpants outside my trousers. People may point and laugh but I think they secretly know how cool it looks. In fact, when I was young I had a huge poster of Superman stuck to the wall next to my bed. I suppose it was comforting to think that someone so strong was watching over me as I slept. Also it was useful for hiding the escape tunnel I was digging at the time.

Superman was the first superhero I really admired. Later came Spiderman with his nifty web-flinging and his witty one-liners. Then I discovered Batman with his amazing utility belt and cool Batmobile. At some point I came across a comic featuring Captain America and he became my favourite superhero. I don't know why I liked him. I think it was because of his gritty determination. And he had that awesome shield.

I was thinking about superheroes recently and it occurred to me that there are degrees of "superhero-ness". We have Superman at the top, with his fairly comprehensive array of superpowers and virtual indestructibility. Moving down the list, we see various strengths and weaknesses until we come to Batman, who isn't really a superhero at all, just a rich guy with some expensive toys and a thirst for revenge. It then struck me that we all fit onto the scale of superhero-ness, even if some of us may be pushing the envelope at the bottom end of the scale. We may not be "faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound" but we can still do things at varying levels of ability. I then wondered where I would fit on such a scale.

* Only works for numbers up to 3 digits in length. After that, the power tends to weaken rapidly. Is practically useless in the case of Internet passwords.

** Or not doing certain things.

*** "Borrowed" from Bruce Wayne while he was busy trying to figure out how to get into his latest Batmobile.

**** Recorded downhill in a tailwind and with go-faster stripes engaged.

I was doing a virtual tour of Holland using Google Maps recently when I stumbled upon an intriguing set of images in The Hague. Thanks to a fortunate coincidence, it would appear that giants are alive and well and living on the beach in the Netherlands.

Alpha Redemption has reached the finals of The Grace Awards, a reader's choice award of faith-based fiction.

Results will be announced on May 12th. You can see all finalists here.

There was panic across Europe today when a strange blue object appeared in the clouds over the continent. This object has since been identified by scientists as "the sky". 

They say all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. I must be the dullest person alive today. I just checked the date on my last blog entry. November 8th, 2010!! That's like, a year ago. Okay, so it's only four months, but still. That's like, almost half a year ago! And the reason for so much effort and so little leisure? I would tell you but that would make me even more dull. Suffice it to say: I'm busy. 

The combination of anger, frustration and resignation on the face of a mother standing at the checkout counter after dragging her children and a full trolley all over the supermarket, only to discover that her youngest and brightest has been using her credit card as a teething device.

I tell anyone who will listen that I first learned about cheesecake at age nineteen, and kick myself for not trying the stuff sooner. I think it was because some things just don't make sense. For example, you wouldn't put a teaspoon of jam in your morning coffee, or eggs in your ice-cream sundae, or bubble-gum in your pancakes. 

The sheer joy on the face of a baby experiencing a belly laugh for the first time. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk

A few years ago I was thinking about those cat's eyes you see in the road to light the way. They're simple but very effective, and they have made their inventor very, very wealthy. I started thinking about things that would be useful but simple to make. One night I woke up and had a brilliant idea. Was it useful? Check! Was it simple to make? Check! Would it make me very, very wealthy? Perhaps. So I went back to sleep, dreaming of my invention and the end of my financial woes. The next morning I tried to think about my marvellous brain-child, but it was gone. I dug deep into my memory, but came out with nothing.

They say the human brain never forgets anything, and that it is the retrieval of information that people struggle with. They say the best method of remembering something is to try your hardest for a minute, and then forget about it. Have you ever tried to remember a name then given up, only to have it pop into your mind later on while you where thinking about something completely different? Well I tried that. I gave it my best shot and then forgot about it. It's been four years and it still hasn't popped into my mind.

Maybe one day it will, but I suspect it probably wasn't as brilliant an idea as I originally thought. Perhaps it already has made an appearance, but I didn't recognize it because it was rubbish. Whatever, but I now keep a pen and a pad of paper next to my bed, just in case. And that has turned out to be really useful for remembering story ideas that come to me while I'm asleep.

So now I'm thinking that maybe that was my brilliant idea...

Not so long ago a pigeon appeared in our back yard. It had plastic rings around its legs so we knew it belonged to someone. I checked the Interwebs and found oodles of advice. It seems that homing pigeons get lost all the time.  

I’ve been trying my best to think of something interesting to tell you in the lead up to Alpha (sorry, Alpha Redemption) being let loose on an unsuspecting world. I was hoping to have some fascinating snippets of esoteric information to share with you regarding the arcane inner workings of the publication business. The only interesting thing I’ve done (no, really) is to sign up with the Chicago Manual of Style Online in the hope that I could, hopefully, pick up some tips on how to improve, where possible, my use of and application of, commas, because, apparently, too many commas, can make, your, text, virtually, unreadable. Or so they say.

I suppose I could tell you about the re-reading, and re-checking, and re-re-reading. Or I could tell you about the gnawing feeling that you’ve missed something somewhere in the manuscript that you’ll only spot when the thing hits the shelves. Or maybe I could mention the glaring error I spotted this weekend in a rather important plot point that required a quick rethink and some hasty alterations but which, ultimately, actually turned out for the best. Or I could tell you about the anxiety that comes with suspecting that this is really all just a weird but wonderful dream and that any moment now you are going to wake up. I could tell you about all these things but, to be honest, all that has happened is that I have found yet more excuses not to write.

Does editing count as writing? I’m not sure. Certainly I’m thinking about writing but that’s not the same as tapping away at those keys as if your life depended on it. I’m making corrections but that’s nothing close to hammering out a brand new, fresh-out-of-the-box story complete with that wonderful new-plot smell. Does fretting about character and development and pace count as writing? In my dream-world it does, but this is not that world (I know this because donuts do not grow on trees), and so I have to log those hours in the “Time Wasted” or “Not Really Doing Anything Constructive” columns of my swanky new time-management system that basically consists of my desk disguised as a post-it note.

Sometime over the next few days I have to stop tweaking the manuscript and hand it over so that Splashdown Books’ editor, Cat, can have a good laugh. This, too, makes me nervous but then I bet that doesn’t surprise you. I enjoy writing but I also take it a little too seriously and so always want to improve on it. And I always think it could be much better. I’m told this is a common trait among the artistically inclined. Normal people look at what we’ve done and see a story that they like or don’t like. We look at it and see dodgy dialogue, problematic punctuation, clumsy characterisation, and annoying alliteration. To be honest, at this point I can’t see anything anymore, never mind a story. So maybe this is a good time to hand it on to someone who knows what they’re doing and trust their judgement. Between Grace and me, we should have found most of the errors, so hopefully Cat won’t laugh too hard.

I have moments of weakness.

I’m a lot better than I used to be but I still have a problem handling lucrative celebrity book deals. I have been at peace with the whole me-not-yet-published thing for some time now, but there’s something about celebrities being fawned over by publishing companies that irks me to the very soles of my waterproof Wellingtons.

If you are anything like me, the news that someone rich and famous has been published usually results in a carb-fueled slump because, hey, I’ve got a perfectly good story gathering dust on my hard drive, but no agent or publisher has shown the slightest bit of interest, even though I’ve thrown my heart and soul into it and everyone who’s seen it has loved it and I’ve polished it so hard they could use it in the Hubble telescope.

As a general rule, the depth of my slump is directly proportional to the prior fame of the lucky “author”, multiplied by their wealth, plus the square of the distance of the source of that person’s fame from the actual art of writing. So, for example, a wealthy heiress socialite receiving a book deal will generate more negative emotion than, say, a well-off celebrity librarian.

If you are anything like me, you will later come to your senses because a) the world isn’t fair, b) you’re a Christian and should not covet someone else’s lucrative book deal and, c) you’ve run out of donuts. You will then dust off the manuscript and get busy doing what you love to do, happy in the knowledge that a book contract handed to a famous sportsperson or singer has absolutely nothing to do with literature and everything to do with making money. You will then remember that it is impossible to serve God and Mammon, that God is in control, and that He may have something special waiting for you if you will just persevere and be patient and trust in Him.

So, knowing all this, why do I still get depressed when I see someone with more money than they will ever need being handed even more of the stuff by the same cash-strapped industry that only recently regretted to inform me that, although my story was very interesting, it did not fit well on their list? I guess it comes down to this: I’m only human and being a Christian does not make me a better person than anyone else, plus there’s the fact that I’ve poured years of my life into my stories only to see someone who probably hardly ever even reads (never mind actually writing something down) being presented with something I have dreamt about every day of my life for the past decade. In such circumstances I feel entitled to wallow in a little self-pity. I think I’ve earned that right.

Of course it’s different with struggling writers. When I see someone who, like me, has worked hard and forged on in spite of seemingly impossible odds, I feel happy for them. Sure I still get a pang of envy and wonder what it must be like to finally get that answered prayer, but this is tiny compared to the kinship I feel. They have “made it” so maybe I will too one day. After all, they have not found a publisher based on the saleabilty of their face or marketabilty of their name. They have found a publisher through hard work, on the strength of their writing, and because they stuck to what they believe God has called them to do. That gives me hope and pushes me to carry on.

It has been many years since I first felt the call to write and almost as long since I received my first rejection letter. In the meantime I have seen more celebrities being handed book deals than I care to remember and consumed more donuts than I would admit to other than under a polygraph test. I have written enough words to fill six novels and received enough stock rejection letters to build a papier-mâché tank. I have waited a long, long time for the day when someone would like one of my stories enough to take a chance on it and put it into print with their company’s name (and reputation) on the cover. In fact I’ve been waiting so long I have almost forgotten how not to wait (if that makes sense). You can imagine my surprise then when the letter I have been waiting for for so long finally arrived late last week. It hit my in-tray with an audible “thunk”. It was not the expected stock rejection letter. Rather, it was a contract with my name on it, and a space for my signature, and everything.

Yes, Alpha has found a home and I am very excited about this. What is even more amazing, however, is that I did not even submit anything to this publisher. They spotted my story in the MLS contest and liked the premise.

I hope you will get encouragement from what has been a very long wait by a fellow struggling author. I hope it will motivate you to push on in spite of the odds and those depression-inducing celebrity book deals.

All going well, Alpha will be available through online stores from September 1st. I’ll prepare a proper announcement with full details closer to the time.

In the meantime, I plan to spend the intervening period grinning like an idiot and will more than likely treat myself to a donut or two.

I was thinking the other day about a film I saw a few months back. It was “The Rookie” starring Dennis Quaid. If you haven’t seen it, it is the true story of a middle-aged man who gets a second chance to try out for major league baseball. He leaves his family and job behind and hits the road. At some point, when things get tough, he loses sight of his goals. Disillusioned, he considers quitting. While out walking on day, contemplating his future, he passes a group of school kids playing a game of baseball. He realizes that these children are playing for the sheer joy of it. In a “eureka” moment he turns to a colleague and says: “Do you know what we get to do today Brooks? We get to play baseball!”

Sometimes when I’m writing I forget why I started in the first place. I get so caught up in the desire to succeed that it becomes a chore and I lose sight of the sheer joy of writing. I mean, how many people can say that they get to create worlds in their spare time? We start with a blank sheet or paper or a flashing cursor on an empty screen and before long we have created a living, breathing universe full of living, breathing characters with their own distinct personalities and lives. Without us, these worlds would not exist. Without our imaginations these characters would never have a chance to share their fears, triumphs, loves and disappointments with anyone other than ourselves.

These worlds may not be real in the physical sense but that does not diminish their value. I don’t know about you but when I read a book, the world becomes a part of my experience. I may not be able to reach out and touch it but the memories of that world are as real to me as my memories of anything else. Lord of the Rings is sheer fantasy but, in my mind, the Shire is as real as any other place I have ever visited. When I walk through a field or reach the top of a hill, I am reminded of any number of hills and fields from my past but also, somewhere deep inside, I also remember the Shire and the Hobbits. The Shire only ever existed inside Tolkien’s head — until he wrote it down and others had the chance to experience what the author had dreamed up.

Writing is the ultimate creative pursuit and we can use it to enrich the experiences and memories of whoever desires to follow us down the road we have walked in our imaginations. What a privilege that is, to build a universe and then make it part of the history of another person. What a joy that is. To paraphrase Dennis Quaid’s character: “You know what we get to do today? We get to write stories!”

You don’t want to watch a sci-fi film while I’m in the same room–you can trust me on this. I annoy people. I annoy myself. I don’t know why but I just can’t seem to make it through an entire movie without flattening the pause button and saying something like: “Come one, that’s not right!”

I’m like that with most films but sci-fi is the worst. Appeals to “dramatic license” fall on deaf ears with me. Maybe two hundred years ago, during a play, when all the actors were men and the props were made of string and cardboard, but not with today’s technology and the general understanding of how things work. Today there should be no need for dramatic license. Okay, there are exceptions where license is evoked on purpose (see Gattaca for example) but I’m more concerned with those stories that try to come across as scientifically sound but then go and fail on the basics.

I’m better than I used to be but I’m still not completely healed. I still can’t watch Star Wars without getting irritated, and irritating my family. I enjoy the films immensely (I’m one of the four people in the world who actually like Jar Jar Binks) but some things just bother me. “The principles of aerodynamics don’t work in space because there’s no air,” I say. “Yes we know Dad,” my kids moan. “Now please can you unpause the film?” I’ve tried to reason that perhaps the ships contain multiple jets positioned all around the body that give the impression of flying in an atmosphere for the comfort of the pilot, but you never see the jets, so I get irritated. And don’t get me started on explosions in space; engines that constantly burn in space; engines that make a rumbling sound in space… I know Star Wars was created a few years ago now but please remember that Alien was made around the same time, and that film is still my benchmark for modern science-fiction.

Last year I entered my story “Alpha” into the Marcher Lord Select contest. I don’t make any claims to being anything more than a mediocre writer but I do go to great pains to make sure my science stands up to scrutiny. I may struggle with the finer points of pace, dialogue, and grammar, but I try to get the science right. If I’m a stickler for details while watching films, you must know how bad I am while writing my own stories. Take artificial gravity for example. In my previous story “Hour” I went to great trouble to make life on the space ship believable. The main body was a large drum that rotated to generate artificial gravity based on centrifugal force. I investigated the effects of this kind of system and discovered some wonderful quirks associated with living in a centrifuge. For example, if the cylinder is too small then the astronaut will experience substantially more gravity in their feet than in their head, which means the whole thing needs to be of a certain size to make it effective. While thinking about this I also realized that if you start the thing spinning while in space without the astronaut being in contact with the inner surface, he or she will just float (possibly only inches above the floor) while the cylinder spins around–at least until the air catches up and gently starts nudging them along.

While writing “Alpha” I spent many hours studying up on the Alpha Centauri star system, including its distance from Earth; the time it would take to get there at light speed; the time it would take to get there at normal speeds; the three stars that make up the system including their orbits relative to one another as well as their sizes, hues and intensity in comparison to the Sun. I also tried to ensure that the trip there and back was depicted realistically. Time behaves differently as you approach the speed of light and so I wanted to make sure that this was shown correctly and consistently. In the story I used the concept of “genetic reversal” to make things more interesting. This bit is pure fantasy but not outside the realms of possibility. To aid my quest for accuracy I created a spreadsheet containing all the data for the trip including the astronaut’s age, the elapsed journey time, the elapsed time on Earth, the distance from Earth, the distance to Alpha Centauri, the effects of hyper-sleep, etc…

So you can imagine my dismay when, during the Marcher Lord Select contest, it was suggested by more than one person (not you, Keven) that perhaps the science in “Alpha” was questionable or not believable. I could actually feel my blood-pressure going up as I read these comments. I had to repent for the bad thoughts that entered my head because I had put so much effort into making sure my science was good and yet here were people suggesting that it wasn’t. The ironic thing is that the science isn’t even that important to the story, so I felt doubly offended. As it happens, the science is merely a backdrop to the important stuff but, being the way I am, I wanted to make sure it was right. No wobbly string and cardboard props in my story. No way. Not if I can help it anyway.

So what’s my point? In the words of Lieutenant Columbo: “No point. I just wanted to get some things straight”. Plus I needed a way to sneak in a mention that I’m due to have a second short story published in May. And it was a chance for me to get some free advertising time for “Alpha”.

“My Girlfriend” is scheduled to appear in the May edition of Digital Dragon (or so I’m told). I’ll link to it when it appears if you’re interested in taking a look.

I’m in the Doldrums at the moment, at least as far as my writing is concerned. I’ve got the sails up and the hatches battened down and I’m ready to hit the high seas of literary endeavor but there’s not a breath of wind out there. I am adrift on a sea of words but the gusts of inspiration aren’t blowing and, wouldn’t you know it, I forgot to bring the outboard motor, and the dodgy metaphors are gathering like seagulls around an overloaded fishing trawler.

Which is why I’m writing this now. Here on the New Author Fellowship we’re supposed to average about, approximately, roughly, one blog entry a week and I already did mine on Friday. But I’d rather be doing this than getting on with what I should be doing, ie. writing my novel. I’ve pondered this tendency I have of getting stuck and think the problem is that I can’t do more than one thing at the same time. I can’t multi-task. It’s probably a lame excuse, but I can’t think of any other reason. Here’s an example:  I once walked, day-dreaming, into the bathroom with an arm-load of dirty laundry, lifted the toilet seat, and was about to drop the clothes into the toilet when my brain switched over from what it was doing just in time to avert a water-closet disaster. Sometimes I’m surprised I can breathe and walk at the same time.

So what does multi-tasking have to do with writing? Well, for years I just dabbled with writing but didn’t bother with the whole looking-for-publication thing. It was liberating to be able to scribble with my crayons without worrying whether or not someone loved it or hated it or, worst of all, couldn’t be bothered to read past the first paragraph. Of late I’ve been submitting all over the place. Currently I’ve got two short stories waiting to go to print, a novel with a publisher, and another entered for a competition. My brain can’t cope with so much activity at the same time. My brain can’t multi-task. If it tries, clothes may get wet and toilets could end up getting blocked.

I have a theory about this. I think it may be a male thing. Many years ago I wanted to be a psychologist. I figured I could help people. But while studying Freud and Skinner and the likes I slowly came to the conclusion that I didn’t really believe in my heart that psychology can help people. Later on, when I became a Christian, I discovered Someone who actually can and does help people, so perhaps God was showing me something. Perhaps He was leading me away from my chosen path towards His chosen path. It was also about this time that I read a statistic somewhere that more psychologists commit suicide each year than patients, which was enough to help me decide. And so after two years of study I dropped psychology and pursued my plan-B career. Was it a waste? Maybe, but I don’t think any kind of learning is a waste. For example, something  I did learn in those two years was that male and female brains are slightly different in a fascinating way. It seems that the corpus callosum (the bit of the brain that joins the hemispheres together) is larger in a women’s brain than in a man’s. I found this intriguing because it meant (at least to me) that this would make men tend to be either logical or emotional but not both, while women on the other hand could be both logical and emotional at the same time (which is why women always win arguments). This theory may also go some way towards explaining why women are better at multi-tasking than men. Which might be the reason why I can’t write and wait for the dreaded rejection slip at the same time. My corpus callosum is too small.

Yes, I know this is pretty tenuous as theories go, although I did put this idea on a web site many years ago and recently saw it on another site as a serious theory. So perhaps we’ll see it in the psychology text books one day (remember: you saw it here first ).

So what to do to get out of this sorry state of inertia? Normally reading another novel gets me going because sometimes I look at what I’ve written and wring my hands at the dullness of it all but then it just takes a quick look at a few paragraphs of one of my favorite authors to make me realize that writing can’t always be exciting. Sometimes you need to develop your characters and slow the pace down a little bit so that the exciting bits can actually feel exciting. Sometimes you just have to tell your story. If every scene is a thrill-ride, the how will your reader recognize the thrilling bits when they come along? Reading someone else’s work lets me see this and usually helps, but not always.  Sometimes I look at the page and my characters look back at me with insolent sneers and say: “So what’s next then Mrs Smarty Pants?” All I can do is look back at them and shrug and reach for the donuts.

Which leads me to the option of carb-loading. There’s nothing like a gazillion calories of jam donuts hitting your blood stream all at once to get your system revved up. I used to use this method but the side-effects outweigh (literally) the benefits by about a hundred-to-one. When I first started writing I found the effort so immense that I needed a constant stream of snacks to keep me going. I couldn’t finish a page without finishing a donut or a cracker, or handful of nuts. I’m still trying to lose some of the pounds I gained during my first novel, and that was twelve years ago.

So carb-loading is bad. Donuts are not an option. What else? I once read that writing is like sailing a ship at night. All you can see is the stretch of ocean illuminated by your ship’s lights plus the occasional lighthouse. You have to treat your story like an adventure that you discover as you go. You have to let the story carry you.  I like that illustration but, unfortunately, the fog around my boat is so thick at the moment I can’t see a thing. And did I mention that there’s no wind?

Another piece of advice says that if you’re stuck, just write. The idea is that the act of writing will be enough to get the ideas flowing or, put simply: you can’t write if you’re not writing. Good advice but what do you do if the mere act of loading the manuscript into the word-processor makes your arms feel weak?

Of course, there’s always prayer. I include this last because, until recently, prayer has been my last resort when it comes to writing (and many other things as well). That probably sounds dumb coming from a Christian but, sadly, I’m no brain surgeon. I usually figure that God has got more important things to do than worry about my silly story. But then I remember why I’m doing what I’m doing. If God wants me to write–and I believe He does–then praying should be the first thing I do, not the last.

Okay, so here’s my plan: I think that once I’m finished with this blog I’m going to try all of the above (except the donuts). I’ll start with prayer, then I’ll read something by my favorite author, then I’ll just start writing until the fog clears enough for me to see where I’m going. Maybe then the winds will fill out my sails and get me moving again.

So what do you do when you get stuck in the Doldrums? What helps you get writing when it’s the last thing you want to do?

Time is odd isn’t it? It appears to trundle along in the background, minding its own business, without pomp or ceremony, head down and jaw set, never deviating from its path as it marks out our days, months, seasons, and lives. But is it really doing that?

When I was young I wasted so much time. It’s criminal really. I spent hours just sitting there waiting for something to happen. I remember one time sitting on the beach while my mum and step-dad had a blazing row. I don’t remember how long I sat there but it was a long time. Or at least it felt like a long time. It felt like an eternity as I dug my toes in the sand wondering if this would be their last fight or just another in an ongoing series of fights. It turned out to be the latter, which meant more spells on the beach, or in my room, or in the back seat of the car–waiting. But waiting for what? Waiting for something to happen I guess. Waiting for something to change.

Sometimes I look back at the time I wasted and my heart aches. When I was about ten I saw a toy car on the shelf of my local shop. As toy cars go it was magnificent. It was a remote control Aston Martin from the James Bond films. It was gun-metal gray with tinted windows and chrome bumpers and it even had a sliding shield behind the back windscreen that you could roll up to foil the baddies and their bullets. It was also way too expensive. I worked out that it would have taken me ten weeks of pocket-money to buy that car. That meant ten weeks without spending a cent on anything else. I tried so save but it was too difficult. A year later we left that place and the car was still there gathering dust. I remember being upset that I had not saved harder. I remember being upset that I had wasted my pocket-money instead of putting it aside for that amazing toy.

We think time is travelling at the same pace but it isn’t, or at least it doesn’t seem that way. In fact, time appears to have gears. I once sat in a double Geography lesson and could have sworn that the second-hand went backwards at some point. They say a watched kettle never boils. Well a watched clock in double Geography can defy the laws of physics. It didn’t help that the teacher’s nickname was “Sleeping Pill”. We once came into the class after lunch to find a kid fast asleep at his desk. He woke, stared around at us with one blood-shot eye, grunted, and staggered out into the corridor. The teacher seemed to find it amusing. Maybe she was used to it.

Time also has rocket boosters. Last weekend, for example, broke some sort of universal law or set some new intergalactic speed record or something. I blinked and last weekend vanished. It was Friday afternoon, I blinked, and it was Monday morning. I was outraged. I felt robbed. I wanted my weekend back. When I was a kid, days lasted forever. These days I can just stand there and marvel as it flies by with its boosters spitting flames. When I was four years old a day was like a lifetime; a week was an age; a month was an eternity. At four, I couldn’t even wrap my little head around the concept of a month. At four, a month felt as far away as the ends of the universe. Back then, time didn’t have rocket boosters–it had a Zimmer frame and slippers and bad feet.

To me, time has a shape, but it isn’t a solid shape. To me, time doesn’t so much march as ooze. It squeezes itself through gaps and around corners. It slides down hills and wobbles in ditches. It lurks around corners and plays tricks on people. In a few months I will be celebrating my forty-third birthday. I remember my mum’s forty-third birthday. It was actually her fortieth birthday mark-IV because my mum decided that forty was her limit. She died seventeen years later, aged forty. At the time she announced that she was staying forty I laughed but I think I understand how she felt. I don’t feel forty-three. I feel more like thirty. Or nineteen. I feel ten years old, standing in the shop, gazing at that splendid remote control Aston Martin complete with sliding bullet shield. I feel four.

Apart from these apparent localized shifts in speed and form, I have also noticed that time appears to travelling faster and getting sleeker in a more general way, as if it is rolling down a hill and gaining speed and momentum as it goes. Months no longer feel like eternities but like weeks. Weeks feel like days. Days feel like hours. Perhaps it’s because I’m busier now than I was when I was four. Perhaps time moves more slowly when you are a child because you spend more time being bored when you are a child, waiting for something to happen–or change. When I look at my life, past and future, I see it as undergoing a sort of reverse-Doppler effect. Instead of the sound waves being compressed as they draw closer and then expanding as they move away, time-already-experienced feels squashed together while time-yet-to-be-experienced feels drawn out and distant. Perhaps time only seems to be speeding up because so much of our experience of it is in the past and we experience memories much faster than we experience actual life. After all, the speed of thought is infinitely faster than the speed of life. Take my current writing project, for example. I wrote the first chapter five years ago. This week I hope to pass the half-way mark. I remember starting the book as if it were yesterday. The end, however, feels like a million miles away.

In the Bible it says that, to God, a day is as a thousand years and a thousand years as one day. So God is outside time, or at least He experiences time differently to us. Unlike you and I, God is not limited by time and space. He can go wherever He wants, whenever He wants. For us, space and time are not concepts but rather a framework within which we conceptualize. Try to imagine no time. It’s not possible. Try to imagine no space. Same again. I don’t know about you, but I take comfort from knowing that God is not limited by the same constraints as we are. He created time and space, and I find that very exciting because, no matter how much I feel I have wasted time or not done what I could have done with that time, I serve a God who sees things differently and has it all under control. He can turn wasted time into a useful commodity. He can turn my weaknesses into strengths.

Maybe one day I’ll find that remote control Aston Martin with its tinted windows and sliding bullet shield. I hope I do because I want to show it to Jesus and I’m sure he’ll be as impressed as I was. I hope I’ll be able to show you too. It really was an awesome car.

I think of myself as a writer but I once forgot how to spell “house” during a high school final exam. No lies. I don’t know why, but it just seemed to look wrong somehow. Normally my spelling is pretty good and I can rattle off long words like “floccinaucinihilipilification” and “antidisestablishmentarianism” without much problem. That day, however, I could not remember how to spell “house”.

I get that with other words sometimes as well–usually short ones. I’ll look at a word I’ve seen a gazillion times before and go “huh?”. If you don’t mind getting all Zen-like, try it for yourself. Take any word and look at it from a different angle. Take the word “flood” for example. Say it slowly and listen to the sounds. F-L-U-D. Now look at the letters. F-L-O-O-D. Doesn’t it look and sound a little weird? Okay, so maybe it doesn’t always work but it was an important exam and I was really stressed out and maybe my brain was full and the word “house” was next in line to be evicted to make room for some other, more important, rent-paying word like “tectonic” or even “pi” (now there’s an odd word).

My point is that, although I’m normally fairly alert and quite logical, I do have times when I’m not the sharpest tool in the box. Sometimes simple things just don’t make any sense to me. Perhaps I’m having a “house” moment but there is something that has been bothering me of late. Let me explain. I was watching the news the other morning like I do almost every morning before work. I did the three Ss (Smallest-room, Shower, and Shave), got dressed, made breakfast, and then sat down in the lounge to watch the news and weather. Sometimes I watch the local Dutch news to get an idea of how hard the wind will be blowing at me on my bike on the way to work, or to have a laugh at the “files” (traffic jams) which are not measured in miles in Holland but in days. This particular morning, however, I watched the international news. There was something on about the global economic crisis and how consumer confidence was picking up which meant people were spending more on stuff, which was a “good thing”. Next came some annoying adverts (why are they always louder than the regular programs?) followed by a piece on the global environmental crisis. The solution to rampant carbon emissions, the expert told me, was to use less resources and make do with what I had. So in the space of ten minutes I was told that I needed to spend more to save the economy and to spend less to save the environment. Huh?

It occurred to me then that we are in a bit of a pickle. We live in a world with a growing population that needs food and work to survive, and where market forces dictate that for a healthy economy we need to produce and sell more stuff. We also live in a world that has limited resources and which is already choking on its own fumes. We are doing something about it but is it enough? I consider myself a green person. I turn off lights when I don’t need them and I’m careful about how much water I use. I recycle whenever possible and support green industry. My car is eleven years old and has done less than 50,000 miles because I cycle whenever possible, and if I did think about buying a new car I would probably go electric or hybrid. (Electric cars are great but the energy still needs to be generated somewhere so it’s not like they don’t have a carbon footprint, so I’m still not sure about that). So what do we do? Is it “grow” or “green”? Personally, I don’t think the experts have a clue how to fix the world’s problems and are just running around like chickens fresh off the chopping block.

According to the Bible, the Earth was created perfect but got messed up by our sins. The Bible also tells us that the world as we know it will meet a rather violent end but that ultimately there will be a new Earth. So God has everything under control. That’s great news, but only if you’re playing by His rules, following (or at least trying to follow) His directions. We are all being guided towards God’s intended goal but, like toddlers in a supermarket, we need constant supervision or we’ll end up in the car park. I don’t think the experts can fix the world because, without God, it is unfixable. We continue to push Him out of our lives and then complain that He doesn’t do anything. We ignore His instructions, run into the car park, and then we complain when we get run down. Maybe if we all turned to Him and held His offered hand, He would show us how to put things right, but I think He knew that the world would get messed up but took a chance on us nonetheless. He gave us a free will to choose His fathership or to reject it, knowing that so many would choose to turn away. But isn’t that the nature of love? You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is offer it.

So tomorrow morning, or the morning after that, when I listen to people giving completely contradictory advice for solving the world’s problems, I am going to enjoy my breakfast in the reassuring knowledge that God has got everything under control and is still offering His love to anyone who will take it.

There’s an expression in Britain (and Australia too, I believe): “backward in coming forward”. It is used to describe someone who lacks confidence or who is shy. I think that if there is any idiom in the English language to describe my personality, it is that one — although I would add the word “painfully” in front of “shy”. When it comes to coming forward, I’m as backward as they come. As a small child, I would hide under the stairs if a stranger (particularly my future step-father) came to visit. As an older child I always sat by myself on the playground and only joined in with the others if someone asked me. As a teenager I found girls fascinating but lacked the courage to even attempt a conversation with one. I had my first date when I was nineteen and notched up a grand total of two (that’s 2) girlfriends (the second one being my wife of twenty years). I was, and to some extent still am, very shy. Add to this a tendency towards being overly self-critical and you have someone who should really have “hermit” somewhere in their job title.

I worked at overcoming my shyness but they say that a leopard never changes its spots. I function pretty normally in spite of what can be an extremely debilitating affliction. I once sang “Climb Every Mountain” (yes, the one from “The Sound of Music”) by myself in front of the entire school even though I cannot sing (see http://newauthors.wordpress.com/2010/02/02/singing-discus-throwing-and-writing/). Later, my first full-time job was as a fitness instructor and I once led a class of over five-hundred individuals during a charity event. During another event I was interviewed for television. So how could I do these things and still call myself shy? Quite simply: they were a performance. You see, I have learned to overcome my “backwardness at going forward” by presenting a façade when the need arises. It didn’t feel like me standing in front of a school full of boys while singing so badly it brought tears of laughter to many an eye. And it didn’t feel like me standing on the stage at the front of that hall, leading five-hundred people through an exercise routine. I was presenting what people expected to see. The real me was hiding under the stairs, watching the show with wide eyes.

Over the years my shyness has lost its edge to the point where it seldom causes problems. I still get a knot in my stomach when meeting someone for the first time and I am uncomfortable in a crowd, but I can function normally most of the time and I’m told I am pretty good company. The one thing that does cause problems, however, is my belief that I’m not very good at anything — especially things of a creative nature. It isn’t so much a case of believing that I can’t do something rather than being more aware of my weaknesses than my strengths. This lack of self-confidence makes me look at what I’ve created and think that it will never stand up to scrutiny. Many years ago, when I sent out my first story, I took a chance sending it out and was astounded that someone actually liked it. I enjoyed writing and felt called to do it but I never felt that it was good enough for God’s high standards. When publishers wrote personal comments about my work I was so convinced of my weakness that it never occurred to me that their taking time to write something instead of sending a stock rejection letter was a good sign (indeed, a very good sign). Over the years I continued to send out the odd piece, fully expecting it to be rejected. The rejections fueled my lack of self-belief. Still I sent stuff out and the rejections came back — as expected. When I started a writing course and my tutor urged me to seek publication, I was excited but a part of me still felt that my work was too weak. I believed she must be mistaken, or lacked the experience to realize how bad my writing was (even though she was a prize-wining published author). Some more rejections reinforced this belief that I would never be good enough to write for God. To this day I still consider myself a weak writer. I look at a finished work and see nothing but problems. I love writing but feel like a small child with a fistful of brightly-colored paints. I revel in what I’m doing but would never presume to call it art. Recently I read a novel by a famous writer and almost felt ashamed to put myself in the same category as someone so brilliant at doing what they do. How dare I call myself a writer when there are people out there who can use words so powerfully? Then I remembered Moses.

The Bible describes Moses like this: “Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.” It goes on to describe how he was so insecure in his abilities that he could not even do what God had told him to do. He had to ask Aaron to speak on his behalf. Do you remember the film “The Ten Commandments” with Charlton Heston? Do you remember how Moses was depicted as a powerful figure with a booming voice? According to the Bible, he was nothing like that. He doubted himself so much that he dared to refuse a direct order from God (and I thought I had problems). And yet, even in spite of his lack of self-confidence, God used Moses in a powerful way. If God can use a man such as this, then perhaps there is hope for someone like me. The way I see it, God can use anyone who is willing to be used, even if we lack self-confidence and would rather hide under the stairs. He may not ask us to part seas or to lead a nation out of captivity, but I believe that if He can use someone like Moses then He can use anyone.

All of which leads me to what I wanted to say before I got side-tracked. After thirteen years of writing, rejection-slips, and near-misses, someone has said that they would like to publish one of my short stories. No money will change hands and it will not be printed on paper (it’s an e-zine) but there will be a contract for me to sign and, more importantly, I will finally get one of my pieces out in the world for all to see. I’m so used to being told “no thanks” that I’m still a little bit in shock but, if all goes well during the editing process, my little story should appear in the October issue. I hope some of you will take the time to read it (it’s free and an easily-digestible 4,000 words) and tell me what you think. I’ll post a link when the time comes.

I do a lot of cycling, mostly to work and back every day. I’ve been doing it religiously for five years now. It’s five miles each way, so that’s ten miles a day, fifty miles a week, over two-hundred miles a month, averaging about two-thousand three-hundred miles a year. So over the past five years I’ve covered eleven-thousand five-hundred miles! Now this surprized me (I’ve just worked it out) because it didn’t feel so far. I mean, that’s like traveling half way around the equator, or going from Iraq to Hawaii! If each mile were a knitting stitch, I’d probably have a pair of socks by now, or maybe even a scarf and gloves (see Kristen’s post  http://newauthors.wordpress.com/2010/02/13/one-stitch-at-a-time-%e2%80%a6/). I’ve worn out five sets of tires and three bicycles. I’ve broken dozens of spokes and lost count of the punctures. I’ve cycled in sun, rain, hail and snow. One time I cycled in a side wind strong enough to bring trees down and blow trucks off the road (remind me to tell you about that one some time).

Each trip of five miles takes me about forty minutes. I cycle at a reasonable pace but not so fast that I get too sweaty (for the sake of my colleagues). For the first three years I was happy to relax, and pray, and think about my stories. In fact, I virtually wrote all four of the short stories for my writing course during those commutes.  I would come up with premises and plots and even bits of narrative or dialogue, then jot them down as soon as I got to a computer, to be expanded later. It became a very productive time for me. Then I discovered audio books.

After five years of cycling almost exactly the same route I can now recognize every tree, stone, puddle, and crack in the road. If I looked closely enough I’d probably be able to identify the rut I’ve worn into the tarmac. After finishing my writing course I realized that I was becoming bored. I was looking for a language course and found a site offering books in MP3 format. Intrigued, I ordered the advanced Dutch course from Michel Thomas and bought a cheap MP3 player. For the next few weeks I followed the instructions of my course tutor, drawing curious looks from passers-by as I repeated each word and sentence out loud (no doubt they were wondering why a complete stranger on a bicycle was asking them for “another glass of white wine please”). In the morning I would study a language, and in the afternoon I would listen to a novel. Recently I found the unabridged dramatized KJV and, after three months of listening each morning, have reached the halfway point.

All of which leads me to the point of this post. Last week my MP3 player started causing problems. It would not restart where I had left off but take me back to a previous (apparently random) chapter point. I decided to invest in a new player which also has the capability of playing a new, improved audio format. I set about loading my audio books and some music but there was something wrong and the player would not accept the files. Experience has taught me that most problems with technology can be solved if you just have the patience, but it was late so I left it for the next day. The next morning I had no KJV to listen to and no Christian music. The player, however, did have a radio.

Now I haven’t listened to the radio in ages, except for the occasional on-line Christian station. I have a collection of Christian CDs and (yikes) cassettes that keep me happy. I love a wide range of music from the Gaither Vocal Band to Skillet, from DC Talk to D.O.C., from Glad to Alvin Slaughter. I jumped through the half-a-dozen preset channels on my new MP3 player (isn’t technology wonderful?) and settled for the station with the clearest reception and the most pleasant-sounding song. I set off cycling with the music playing in my head. By the time I reached work I had listened to about five songs and a ton of adverts, and my mood was vaguely depressed. The reason I was feeling depressed, I realized, was because of the music. Of the five songs, two were about the end of a relationship, one was about the potential start of a relationship, and two were about trying to find meaning in life. The more I thought about it the more it occurred to me that that is really all the secular world has to sing about. People are trying to find a reason to live and so they look to other people to give them that reason. Their hope is in the next boyfriend, or wife, or one-night-stand. Maybe the cute girl over at the bar will give their lives purpose. Perhaps the next fling will be more than just a fling. One of the song’s lyrics included this line: “I don’t know who you are but I’m with you.” The next evening I stayed up until I had my Bible and my Christian music loaded.

Sometimes you don’t realize how far you’ve traveled until you turn and look back down the path. I traced Iraq to Hawaii on a map and it’s a long way. Sometimes when I’m writing a story I wonder if it will ever be finished. It feels as if the bottom of the page is a million miles away (or at least to Hawaii). Then, when it’s done, I look at the hefty manuscript and think: wow, I made it. Sometimes our walk with Jesus is tough and we feel as if we aren’t moving. We encounter trials and tests. Sometimes our faith gets wobbly and we have to remind ourselves why we believe. Sometimes we are in the world and perhaps a little too much of it as well. That morning when I listened to the radio and heard what the world has to offer I realized just how far I’ve come. I’m still a sinner but Jesus has washed me clean. I still make mistakes but God is merciful. I may be in the world but my heart belongs to Jesus. One day I hope to complete my journey with God and look back down the path and see how far I have traveled and say: wow I made it.

I’ve been doing this for quite a long time now and, in spite of my best efforts and being told by many people that I “should be published”, I have yet to have a single word make its way to print. Here’s what I have learned over the years as an aspiring writer:

- you can follow all the rules of good writing and produce a story of publishable standard, and not be published
- you can break all the rules of good writing and produce a story that should never have made it past the editor, and be published
- you can do writing courses and attend conferences and network for years, and not find a publisher
- you can show your manuscript to one person, who knows someone who happens to know an agent, and be published
- you can study the market and write a novel that fits perfectly with current and emerging trends, and not be published
- you can write something completely off-the-wall that flies in the face of current and emerging trends, and be published

After finding an agent and “coming close” so many years ago, and then riding the emotional roller coaster that comes with trying to get a story published, I simply gave up. Every now and then I would send a piece out. Every time it would come back with a stock letter or even (shudder) a stock slip. After each rejection I promised myself that I would never write another word. A week later I was back at my keyboard.

At some point my writing goals changed. Until recently my aim was to see my story on a bookshelf. I figured that that was where it would do the most good, right? My prayer was always: “please God, let my book be published”. When my goals changed my prayer changed as well. It became: “please God, let me become a good writer.” These days, whenever I send a story out, I pray that it ONLY be published IF it is God’s will. I would rather wait and have a book that God can be proud of than be published and regret it because it wasn’t as good as it could have been.

I think that as Christian writers we should make being published a secondary goal. Our main aim should be to glorify God by being the best writers we can be. If we focus on that and pray for God’s will, I believe that one day our books will make it to print–but only if it is meant to be. When I look back at how close my first attempt came I cringe because I have read my original manuscript and it was pretty weak. My writing is now substantially stronger than it used to be but it may still not be good enough. Perhaps I still have further to go and more to learn, but I hope not. Perhaps I have missed my calling and should never have started writing in the first place, but I don’t think so.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our goals that we miss what’s happening on the way (see Mauricio’s post : http://newauthors.wordpress.com/2010/01/18/road-map/). It’s fine to have a goal but sometimes we need to leave that in God’s hands. I remember as a single man being desperately lonely. I was always on the lookout for Mrs Right but, no matter how hard I searched, she was never anywhere to be found. Then one day I decided to stop looking. Within a matter of months the woman I was destined to share my future with walked into my life. I was not yet a Christian (at least not officially) but, looking back, I can see God’s guidance all the way. I now believe that my wife was out there; I just had to wait for our paths to cross. I believe the same will happen with my writing. I’ve stopped worrying about finding a publisher. I still send my stuff out but I’ve stopped fretting about it. If I’m meant to be published, I believe God will cross my paths with the right person at the right time.

There’s no excuse for it really. I’m fit (relatively) and healthy (relatively). I own a computer that almost never crashes with an English keyboard that has no sticky or missing keys. I have at least two word-processors that will format my words into a staggering array of fonts and styles including “emboss”, “engrave”, and even “hidden” (why would anyone ever need that?). Last night I had six hours of sleep, which is a lot for me, so I feel rested and alert. I am not overly thirsty nor am I hungry. I have no persistent aches or pains. There really is no excuse.

I think the problem is that I am in that strange twilight (not the book) zone where I desperately want to continue with a novel, but can’t focus because I am waiting for a finished manuscript to be read by my beta victims readers. My mind can’t seem to shake that heady mix of hope and dread that takes me back to my childhood days when I would proudly present my latest work of art to a parent or teacher in the hope of eliciting  a gasp of joy and amazement (look at the mastery of the crayon strokes, and those colors!) while secretly knowing that the legs were too short and that I had not stayed inside the rather wobbly lines.

I am happy with the completed story in that it came out the way I hoped it would. The plot moves the way I wanted it to; the characters interact in a fashion that seems realistic; the tension I wanted to inject seems to be there. And yet I am also dreadfully unhappy with it because, being of an artistic bent, I tend to be over-critical of my own stuff. For the past two weeks (since I copy/pasted it over for scrutiny) I have been unable to think about anything else. I keep loading my new novel and reading the last piece so that I can continue, but the words will not come. It is as if there is a force field over the keyboard. I have the key in the ignition but the engine will not spark. I have shoulder to the wheel but the cart will not budge. My nose is well and truly pressed against the grind-stone but the ox whose job it is to make it turn is on holiday or sick or possibly just asleep. Metaphors are multiplying in my head like seagulls behind a fishing trawler…

I call it writer’s inertia because it’s not like I can’t write at all; I’m writing this right now. The problem is that I’m in a state of motion but don’t have the willpower to alter the direction of that motion. I can write, but not what I should be writing. Last night I was sitting at a window looking out at some horses walking along in the twilight (not the book) and wondered what the future will bring. It’s all in God’s hands, I know, but I can’t help wonder: Will my story ever see a bookshelf? Will people like what they read? Will it glorify God the way I want it to? I hope so, but there’s no use fretting over such things. Faith in God also means letting Him take the lead along a precarious and sometimes scary road.

Well thanks for listening. They say a problem shared is a problem halved, or something like that. I think I just heard the engine tick over, the cart shifted a little, and the ox has woken up. I’m going to load my story and smash through that force field if it’s that last thing I do today, and I’m not going to worry at all about what my beta readers are thinking. Well, maybe just a little bit .

Last time: A Growing Pile of Rejection Letters

Not so long ago I was browsing through an online music catalog to see if I could find anything of interest. Normally Christian music is listed as a separate genre. In this particular catalog, however, the Christian artists were lumped in with the all the rest under genres like “rock” and “pop” and “easy listening”. This meant that I had to trawl through thousands of artists to try to find something to my taste. What struck me was just how many bands there are out there. Every now and then a familiar name would appear, but the vast majority were names I had never heard before. That got me thinking about what it is that separates the bands that nobody knows from the BANDS that are household names. I think a lot of it has to do with the sound. Every now and then a band comes along that can make music that is not just pleasing to the ear but also distinctive. It is this unique sound that lifts them above the rest and makes them instantly recognizable. It is the same with writing. There are authors out there who are recognizable just from the way they write. Bands have a sound. Writers have a voice.

At school I learned how to string words and sentences together in a logical way to make an essay. The idea was to say what I wanted to say in an efficient, cohesive, easy-to-understand fashion without offending anyone or breaking (too many) grammatical rules. The result was effective but also very bland. I learned to get my message across but the person reading (usually my teacher) was probably happy when that message was over. Later, when I wrote my first novel, I did what I had learned at school and produced writing that got my story across–but nothing else. As a publisher said: it was solid, but not exciting. Many years later I discovered what was missing.

I wanted to liven up my resume so enrolled with a college to study towards a degree in Creative Writing. The first year was straightforward, with an introduction to the fundamentals. I picked up some good habits, but nothing that could really help me add excitement to my story-telling. In the second year, however, the concept of “voice” was introduced. It suddenly struck me. I knew what was wrong with my writing. It had no voice. My school teachers had, while training me to write in an efficient, cohesive, law-abiding way, also removed any trace of my own personality. Whenever I sat down to write a story I would immediately start thinking about the rules. I had to FORGET THE RULES! If I wanted to write as me, I had to learn to tell the story my way and not the way I’d been taught at school. I had to throw off the shackles of conformity and write from my heart. It was liberating! I determined to write until any trace of that dull old voice was gone. I wrote until I felt as if it was me telling the story. I wrote until my own personality started coming through.

I’m still looking for my voice. Sometimes it comes through loud and clear and I can write page after page without seeming to expend any effort of all. Other times I fall back into my old, safe, ways and I have to consciously force those old habits to go back where they belong. Usually this happens when I write with my head and not with my heart. I start thinking of the rules first before I put pen to paper or finger to keyboard. When I think of the rules first, the writing is safe but the joy goes, along with my voice. And isn’t that just like the Christian walk? We need to put Jesus first, and then the rules will follow through love. If we put the rules first, we may feel safe, but where is the joy and where is the love? Now, whenever I write, I do so prayerfully and in joy. The end result is a messy, but joyous, first draft. Only in later drafts do I worry about the rules. If I do this I end up with a story in which the rules are there to support the writing, rather than control it. And hopefully, one day, a publisher will have this to say: “solidly written, AND exciting.”

Next time: Singing, Discus-throwing, and Writing.

Last time: The Urge to Write

When the agent’s letter arrived asking if they could see the full manuscript I think I set a new world record for getting from my front door to our local post office. I don’t remember much about the next few weeks. Part of me wanted them to like it. Another part expected them to send me the usual rejection letter. We prayed over it and left it in God’s hands. Three weeks later a letter dropped through the mailbox. They liked The Wire but felt it needed more dialogue. I spent a week revising the manuscript. I sent if off again. Two weeks later they replied. I read the letter. I read it again. My hands started shaking. One sentence stood out from all the rest: “May we represent you in selling The Wire?”

At this point I honestly thought I had begun a new career as a writer. I immediately set about writing down three more ideas and submitted them. The agent liked them all and took them on. In the meantime, the rejection letters started coming back. The Wire ”came very close” to being published with a major company but was too similar to something they already had on their books. Comments ranged from positive (“solidly written”) to not so positive (“not exciting enough”). Almost a year after the agent took me on, they wrote to say that they could no longer represent me. My ideas were good but my writing was simply not strong enough for modern markets.

I continued submitting to publishers but every rejection letter became increasingly difficult to take. I stopped submitting but pushed on with writing stories–mainly for my children. Every now and then I would show someone my work. One colleague was so convinced that I would be published that he asked me to sign a chapter I had shown him. That same colleague showed another piece to a publisher friend who said it was “smart and witty, should be published, just need some luck.” I tried for publiication one more time. Again, the rejection letters rolled in. I decided to stop trying for publication and seriously doubted that this was what God wanted me to do. I battled with depression and my whole walk with God became shaky. Then I received two seperate prophecies from friends saying that I would be published, but not yet.

At this point I took a good look at my original manuscripts and reached a sobering conclusion: my writing, while solid, was not good enough. It lacked something. It lacked a voice. Enthusiasm and drive were not enough. I needed to improve my skills if I ever wanted to see my dreams come true. Most of all, I needed to find a voice. I looked around for ways of improving my writing but found nothing that caught my interest. Over the next two years I stopped writing to concentrate on my day job. I decided my resume needed improving and looked around for a degree I could do from home. It was then that I found an online college that offered a degree in Creative Writing. After praying about it I decided to enroll on my first ever writing course.

Next time: Finding My Voice